


mosaic

by hon_eyyy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged Up NCT Dream, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28908816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hon_eyyy/pseuds/hon_eyyy
Summary: Donghyuck had always been fascinated with stained glass because he had a hard time making sense of making something enormous with such fragile material, held together only by thin strips of metal. Most of his favorites were of imperfect symmetry, creating angles, shading and elaborate poses for the subjects, which meant the pieces that composed the mosaic were never the same. Everything had to be in pieces to become that monument. An ode to fragility, made to be imposing and delicate, to shine and color everything around it with light. It made perfect sense to Donghyuck then why he loved mosaics.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	1. Part ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self indulgent to the core, inspired by one too many nahyuck fancams.....,,,..  
> many thanks to isa, my friend that has no idea what i wrote because she doesn't read fics but encouraged me to put it out here anyway  
> please forgive any mistakes, it is not beta-ed/edited, and proofreading your own stuff is hard  
> cw: this story contains mentions of abuse in a romantic relationship and mentions of sexual abuse but nothing explicitly depicted on page. i will mark the part where the latter happens with (cw) so you can skip if you want, it’s SUPER short, and the very last thing on part one.

One of the things Donghyuck was most proud of was his ability to not have places, songs, or foods scarred by people he didn’t have in his life anymore. It’s not that he ignored his affective memories or didn’t have them at all. No, he tied things to people just like everyone else. What he didn’t do was allow any negative occurrence to spoil his favorite things in life. Donghyuck never understood anyone who gave away clothes they were gifted by exes, who burned letters or cropped pictures. He liked things objectively and the mere sight of them wasn’t enough to make him spiral.

The only way to do that was with actual people. If someone resembles another person that Donghyuck had a bad experience with, in any way, that would make him feel awful. Stomach dropping, head buzzing, inexplicable tears awful. He wouldn’t react at first, he could control that much, but the sour feeling wouldn’t leave until he did. It was hard to get him to a level of hate. Donghyuck had to think hard - _hard_ \- to find anyone he hated. He wanted to be happy, and he didn’t want that happiness tarnished by the past. Renjun would call him naive, but he didn’t mind, he liked that he wasn’t that jaded yet.

He was sitting by the rocks that filled the edge of the bay his home faced. Donghyuck always managed to fool people into thinking he was as peaceful as he looked when contemplating nature. He basked in the sun, loved feeling the wind in his face, felt loved by the sky and the sea. Living this close to the beach had always been Donghyuck’s dream and he was glad he could afford it. 

Donghyuck was having a rare day off in the middle of the week, courtesy of a busted pipe at the office and a power shortage at the university. He didn’t believe in destiny, but maybe. Maybe there was something he was supposed to do that day that needed him to be outside to happen. However, the sun was already setting and nothing had. He woke up at a reasonable hour, went to the beach, did his fair share of walking around the neighborhood, and even helped an elderly couple as an unofficial tour guide for a few minutes. His neighborhood was especially touristy this time of the year. It was great for sightseeing, the beach perfect for children at this end of the bay, and it had plenty of bars and restaurants to choose from.

The novelty of that wore off pretty quick when he received his first credit card bill after moving. No more delivery food. Donghyuck found out that most of the residents bought at the farmers’ market and ordered from outside the neighborhood. In his excitement for the move, he neglected to do a more in-depth research on the cost of living. The past six months of his life had brought miscellaneous changes in all the areas of his life, but it was okay. He was there, he wasn’t going anywhere.

Donghyuck was looking at the sky, alone and in silence, drinking his favorite beer and feeling content admiring the best view the place had to offer, knowing that it didn’t matter that he had taken his ex-boyfriend there multiple times before. Donghyuck didn’t forget the quasi-romantic dates or the crying in public while arguing with him in that exact corner. But this place was too incredible for him to let it be anchored to someone not worth it. 

Maybe one day he’d meet someone worth giving up things for, but that hadn’t happened yet and Donghyuck was happy.

_

Turns out Donghyuck was right. He couldn’t have been at the office until eight like he usually was because, had he done that, he wouldn’t have met the man. The sun was set, and Donghyuck still felt like it was shining upon him when he directed his smile in Donghyuck’s direction.

It happened just as he decided to leave. Donghyuck got up, threw his long finished bottle away, and turned, meeting the man head-on. He was sitting a few feet away and Donghyuck hadn’t heard him coming over the ocean’s sounds. He heard crashing waves and occasional music coming from the bars on the other side, but nothing other than that.

He smiled so earnestly Donghyuck quickly looked around to see if there was somebody else that he had missed coming, but no, that star of a smile was only for him. Donghyuck paused but decided against standing there staring in favor of getting closer.

That smile was a destiny’s sign if he had ever seen one. How could he resist? 

Donghyuck felt some type of connection with the stranger. By the bottles at his feet, Donghyuck could see he had also been there for a long time, and he seemed just as blissful as Donghyuck felt. If he was anything like Donghyuck, he’d gladly stay more time to explore the flimsy thread that tugged him in the stranger’s direction.

“Hey. Do you wanna sit?” the man said gesturing to the space on the towel next to him.

His voice was nothing like Donghyuck had imagined. It was deeper, clearer, and soothing. He wanted to hear more.

“Yeah. I do.” 

_

When people are not used to seeing you express your negative emotions, anything can feel like an explosion. Because they don’t recognize that kind of self-expression coming from you, the only thing the explosion causes is a shock; no compassion, empathy, or even understanding. _Where did this come from?_ , they ask. The answer is the simplest one, actually: nowhere.

“You are not listening to me!”

And that was correct, Donghyuck wasn’t listening, he didn’t _want_ to listen. That’s all he ever did and he was oh, so tired. The plate flew right beside his boyfriend’s head, and Donghyuck was sure that, if it wasn’t for the tears, he wouldn’t have missed the target. Donghyuck didn’t want silence, he wanted everyone to listen to him instead. Not necessarily his screams, though that would be nice too, but to his entire presence in this world. He would crash, break, and hit everything in his path until he was satisfied.

“Stop this! Now!”

 _Absolutely not_ was the only answer Donghyuck could think of.

_

“I’m Jaemin.”

They had been sitting in comfortable silence - as much as you can, with a stranger. Jaemin seemed at ease, unbothered by the way the wind was messing up his silver hair. Whoever did that job was an excellent professional, Donghyuck mused. He had had a stint with blonde hair after the breakup and vowed to himself to never do it again. He was satisfied with his honey brown, it suited him.

“Donghyuck.” he said, offering a smile.

“Do you live around here, Donghyuck?” Jaemin asked, smiling back.

Donghyuck considered the options. Jaemin could have been propositioning him, but that wasn’t the vibe. He could have also been a murderer or a charming thief, and Donghyuck would be giving him the information to do the job more efficiently. He decided to take the question at face value.

“Yeah, I do. A recent move, but not so recent that I’m not used to it by now.”

“I just finished unpacking yesterday. Wasn’t so sure what to expect.”

“You didn’t wanna move?” Donghyuck couldn’t imagine not wanting to live in such a beautiful place, had had numerous conversations with Renjun and Chenle about it before he left their previous apartment.

A lot of things had changed after the breakup, and moving in with his friends didn’t even register as that important compared to everything else until he had to move out. Donghyuck couldn’t convince them to go further, not closer, to their jobs. He wanted the chance to be young and free at a place like this, to not have his choice in housing hostage by how many blocks away from the subway station it was. He could afford a car now, again, might as well use it. Neither Chenle nor Renjun yielded, so they went their separate ways. He still saw them every day and that was more than enough.

“I did, actually. It’s just Jisung- my roommate was the one doing the apartment hunting. I was out of the country and he decided all of it. The location, how much space… I don’t dislike it, but it doesn’t feel like mine.”

“Yet.” Donghyuck shrugged. “You’ll get used to it if it’s what you really want.”

“Jisung said the same thing. He also said he’s okay with covering the expenses if I decide to leave, so that’s a possibility.” Jaemin said, sipping on his last bottle of beer.

“And what do you think so far?”

“I like the smell of the ocean. My room gets sunshine in the afternoon, and my friend already adopted a cat he found in the street. She’s the cutest.” He made a cute voice to talk about the cat, and Donghyuck laughed a little.

“Maybe the cat will be enough to make you stay.”

“Maybe.” Jaemin mused, looking at him. “Maybe I’ll have more than that.”

_

There was nothing particularly special about that day. Donghyuck woke up, he went to work, he was bright, polite, and efficient and all the things he usually was. But there was something wrong. His skin felt tight, his mind kept this weird buzzing going and he suddenly noticed everything. All the burdensome requests, the inconsiderate comments, the passive-aggressiveness. Nothing new, really, except for his awareness.

But then. 

He got home to find his boyfriend there. Not cheating, not being any special type of asshole; he was just there. Donghyuck remembers thinking about that weird saying involving a camel's back, and it didn’t really make sense to him, but it applied to his situation nonetheless. His boyfriend had his own key and him being there hogging Donghyuck’s couch wasn’t a surprise.

“Hey, I thought you’d be here earlier.” His boyfriend said, looking up from his phone.

“Yeah, traffic wasn’t the best.”

No good evening, no nothing. His boyfriend had this _thing_ where it would be okay for him to ignore basic politeness because honestly, all of those shenanigans were social convention anyway. Donghyuck didn’t like it, but couldn’t really argue because it _was_ a social convention. Just like special dates, you know, relationship landmarks and whatnot.

While his boyfriend thought there was nothing special about that day, Donghyuck didn’t forget it was their fourth anniversary, because it wasn’t important. To his boyfriend. It wasn’t important to him, so it couldn’t be important to Donghyuck either. Why would they fight over something that wasn’t even real and didn’t interfere with the love they felt for each other?

“Did you bring anything?”

“What?” Donghyuck was confused.

“Food. Did you bring food?”

“Why would I bring food? Wait, did you ask me to bring food? I didn’t check my messages in the car.” He said, reaching for his phone in the pocket.

“No, no, but I was hoping you’d bring it anyway.”

 _Why?_ , Donghyuck wanted to ask. He was supposed to be alone in his house, decompressing after an hour of barely competent drivers and unpitched honks, eight hours of office noise, and the entire day of having these thoughts that wouldn’t leave him alone. So many things to do, and now someone was claiming what Donghyuck thought would be his - and his alone - time. Donghyuck had to call his doctors, schedule appointments and exams, buy more seasoning for his food, stock up on fruits, check his email, update the planning for his thesis readings, send some messages to a few friends that had gone radio silent, and call a therapist. Donghyuck definitely had to call a therapist.

“Well, are you going to cook?”

“Do you know what day’s today?” He asked, suddenly feeling… weirder.

His heart was beating faster, but not in a sustainable rhythm. It was so strange, that damn new awareness he possessed. Donghyuck knew his boyfriend knew the correct answer. Donghyuck knew he knew Donghyuck knew.

“The thirteenth.”, was what he said. The wrong answer.

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

“That’s exactly what you asked though. It’s also Friday.” He was closer to Donghyuck now as if the physical proximity would help disarm any bombs that could suddenly explode in Donghyuck’s living room. “So, spooky.”

The random saying with the camel. His boyfriend drew a step back then, eyebrows hunched in confusion. Whatever he was seeing on Donghyuck’s face alerted him that the day was, in fact, spooky. His boyfriend tried to school his expression to its usual aloofness and condescendence that Donghyuck had gotten familiar with but could see right through.

“Do you remember how we got together?” Donghyuck asked, because his boyfriend was so incredibly dense at times that he had to ask, maybe he thought that wasn’t important either and deleted the memories to make room for actual important stuff, like the new type of camera Canon released last week. He was a studio photographer, albeit not a particularly good one.

“Uh, yes?” and when Donghyuck stayed silent, he continued “We were seeing each other for a while and things uh, progressed.”

That too was so purposefully wrong.

_

Four years prior, they were seeing each other casually, and Donghyuck was content with his life. He was never a person who dated a lot, it was just so troublesome to deal with men-related drama, but getting together with his boyfriend was relatively easy. Still, his ex demanded more. More time and attention and affection. And it wasn’t that Donghyuck didn’t want to give it to him as he didn’t know _how_. Was he not affectionate? Were the dates, hugs and kisses, and overall insertion in each others’ routines not enough?

It wasn't, not to him. So one day they were just existing side by side, talking and kissing and stuff, and his boyfriend kept inserting small barbs in their conversation about how Donghyuck chose to spend time with other people when it should be him instead. Going back to his parents’ home to visit when they could’ve spent the day going to the beach or the park or the movies. Meeting a friend to drink and talk shit when they could’ve been having a date.

“You are not my boyfriend, you know?” Donghyuck said, getting more and more annoyed after each not so subtle comment the man did. “Like, I should say _no, mom, I’m not going home to see you because I’ll spend time with this boy I see sometimes_?”

It was a little mean, but not much more than what Donghyuck had listened to so far. His boyfriend was stunned, but recovered rather quickly. Because he was the king of technicalities, of purposeful misunderstandings, which meant he couldn’t argue with Donghyuck on that response specifically, not without giving himself out all the other times he didn’t do, say or value something for the exact same reason, a technicality.

“So you’re saying that if I want more of your time I have to be your boyfriend.”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

And that was the end of that. Well, kind of. Later, when they were supposed to be saying their goodbyes, the exchange came back to Donghyuck’s mind and he couldn’t help asking.

“Wait, does this mean we’re really dating now? I’m your boyfriend?”

With a roll of his eyes, and a quiet tsk sound, because that was clearly a stupid question, he said:

“Yeah, baby.”

_

Donghyuck liked him, but his alleged lack of depth in his emotions was always a problem in their relationship. His boyfriend constantly argued that Donghyuck didn’t show enough appreciation for the things he did for him and Donghyuck somewhat agreed, most of the time. There was a disconnect between what Donghyuck thought was important and what he thought was important. His boyfriend wanted to plan these elaborate dates doing things Donghyuck didn’t care about like going to a boat show, eating at expensive restaurants that served infinitesimal portions of food, while Donghyuck wanted him to care for the simple way he chose to spend his time. His boyfriend wanted misty eyes over tickets to the opera and Donghyuck wanted him not to fidget while walking through the museum exhibition or going to the beach to stand in the sun.

They were not compatible, it seemed. But they insisted. Donghyuck learned to appreciate the effort his boyfriend put into planning those outings, he began to love the passionate way Donghyuck spoke about art and nature. Eventually, they found a rhythm that suited them both.

Still.

Donghyuck was a much more controlled person than his boyfriend was. With everything. Donghyuck could see him walking around his life like a toddler in a new environment, touching, breaking, and dropping stuff like their value was interchangeable and not really that big, to begin with. His boyfriend said things like it was okay not to consider five hundred times what it would do to who’d listen before saying them out loud. He broke up connections and severed bridges over minor inconveniences. Which Donghyuck found ironic. They had so much to solve between them, to correct and align, Donghyuck stepped on so many of his emotional toes, why was he still in Donghyuck’s life? What made Donghyuck special enough to not have been dropped by now?

But maybe in his infatuation with his boyfriend’s pretty face, pretty voice, and above average intelligence, he chose to believe that that meant they were meant to be together. He was so understanding of Donghyuck, basically teaching him what it really was like to be in a serious relationship, just so patient.

Donghyuck learned how to use his emotional control in response to his boyfriend, too, and that helped. When Donghyuck didn’t react with annoyance when he criticized him, and listened to him neutrally instead before reacting, their number of fights dropped to a new low. His boyfriend was pleased, and so was Donghyuck, because that’s something that was new and overwhelmed Donghyuck in a terrible way. Having someone mad at him, when he could just adjust and make everything better? Not acceptable. Donghyuck was a people pleaser.

_

Jaemin was everywhere. If Donghyuck knew someone that truly lived in a place like Jeamin did, he didn’t know, but it had been a month after they met and he kept seeing Jaemin _everywhere_. When he was going to work in the morning he passed through Jaemin riding his bike. At night, Jaemin was walking by the pier or carrying groceries on his way home. Sometimes he saw Jaemin sitting by the windows in one of the restaurants with someone Donghyuck assumed was his roommate.

On Sundays, he met Jaemin at the farmers’ market and they talked for a little while. They met by the rocks again, drank and had hours long conversations about nothing. But, for as little time Donghyuck spent at home, if he wasn’t inside his apartment he was sure he’d see Jaemin around. Donghyuck didn’t mind.

It was nice having a new friend. Well, not a friend yet, but having been in a relationship for four years had the opposite effect he thought it would have before it started. Instead of adding new people to his social circle, Donghyuck got more and more distant from his oldest friends with time. The only friends he had around his age were Renjun and Chenle, and he imagined they stuck around, kind of, because they were still figuring out their lives too, but he remembered starting college having this huge group of people around him, and them going missing, one by one. Donghyuck tried not to, but he believed his ex’s antics had a great deal to do with that. No one wanted to be antagonized twenty-four seven.

He didn’t have to deal with that anymore, thankfully. His life was peaceful now, uneventful, but Jaemin didn’t seem to mind. Donghyuck talked about his likes and dislikes, his relationships with his friends, his moods and his routine, and Jaemin listened as if that wasn’t boring at all, as if Donghyuck was charismatic and interesting again, when in reality Jaemin was the interesting one.

Donghyuck found out that he was a professional dancer, part of a contemporary ballet company with worldwide recognition. Jaemin toured around the globe for months, every year, and had been doing that since he was a teenager. He told Donghyuck about the time he was injured and had to sit out for almost a year, making Jisung go crazy having him home for such an uncharacteristic long period of time. They’d lived together since Jisung graduated high school seven years ago and his parents moved away to enjoy their retirement.

“So you basically raised him.” Donghyuck commented, and Jaemin smiled.

“Yes! He’s my son! Thank you! I keep telling him that, but he just rolls his eyes like the ungrateful child he is.”

“Does he not call you dad?” Jaemin snorted at the question.

“No, but he calls me mom. I guess that’s better than nothing.”

Donghyuck liked Jaemin's sense of humor. It was dry and deadpan and reminded him of Renjun, but a friendlier version of it. 

“When will you leave again?” Donghyuck asked once they were walking back to their homes.

“I just got back. We’ll start rehearsals again next month, then the production will pick up and the tour doesn’t start for at least four months once that begins.”

“I had no idea it took so long to do all of that.”

“Eh, most people don’t. It’s not a conventional choice of career, I guess.” Jaemin shrugged, keeping the lazy pace they had going on.

A few days later, Donghyuck had another day off from work and Jaemin invited him to have lunch with him and Jisung. He suggested his favorite bistro around the area, but Jaemin said he’d cook his roommate’s favorite dish and he’d rather Donghyuck joined them in their house. His and theirs apartments were different in everything. Donghyuck’s was in an old building, with unexplainable and unpractical high ceilings but small and cozy in every other way, with dimmed lighting except for the living room.

Jaemin and Jisung’s living room was Donghyuck’s entire apartment. They had numerous pots of plants, instrument cases in random places, a piano, two expensive looking bikes hanging on the wall, as well as pictures and paintings, all different styles that Donghyuck imagined Jaemin picked up in his travels. It was so bright, Donghyuck realized. Their floor was higher up and had a better view of the bay than his. The floor to ceiling windows on every room gave an airy atmosphere to the place and Donghyuck felt he was suspended in clouds. He loved it.

Jaemin turned out to be an excellent cook. Jisung was a tall dorky guy, funny and smart, and Donghyuck loved him instantly. He told Donghyuck about being a musician, joining the city’s orchestra the previous year after having played the violin all the years before that for the national ballet company. Jaemin made sure to make Donghyuck know that Jisung was a prodigy, a wonder child, pinching Jisung’s cheek and making him blush.

Donghyuck left their apartment that afternoon with a bittersweet feeling in his chest, missing the time when he was the one having his cheek pinched by Taeyong, hugged by Jaehyun, fussed by Johnny. He missed being loved like that. He wondered if his friends missed him too.

_

“We were seeing each other for a while and things progressed.”

They were in a staring contest. The moment Donghyuck looked his boyfriend in the eye more intently he saw a little bit of fear, a little bit of annoyance, and a lot of confusion. It had been such a long time since Donghyuck disagreed with him about anything. Not that he didn’t want to, but it was so tiresome, it took so much out of him. Donghyuck didn’t have the energy to deal with all the problems daily life gave him, not since he was finding less and less time to recharge doing things he loved, and didn’t want to add what was probably a useless discussion with someone he loved to the pile. Donghyuck liked being happy, even when that meant he’d have to yield. His boyfriend was a naturally opinionated person, as was him, but he was way, way more stubborn than Donghyuck.

Donghyuck got over it, all of it, in exchange for a less confrontational life.

This was a confrontation. It hadn’t even started yet, but Donghyuck knew it, and his boyfriend knew it too, which caused all the emotions Donghyuck could see in his eyes.

“Why are you being like this?” His boyfriend groaned in frustration.

Each second that passed Donghyuck lost more and more sensation of the feelings of alleged love and care for his boyfriend that contained his outburst. Donghyuck never felt more grounded in his mind and in his thoughts but also like having an out-of-body experience at the same time. Was this dissociation?

“I’m not being anything other than what I am today.”

That was clearly a more philosophical response than his boyfriend was expecting because he just scoffed. Like that was stupid. Like Donghyuck was stupid.

“Today is our anniversary. I mean, I know you know this, but I felt like I had to say it out loud just so there isn’t any doubt about where I’m going with this conversation.”

“We don’t have an anniversary,” His boyfriend said. “Isn’t that what we agreed on ages ago?”

“See, that’s the thing. I don’t remember agreeing with it. I just never said anything because I was tired that day and then it wasn’t the right time and it didn’t seem that important.” Donghyuck replied, voice higher than his boyfriend was accustomed to.

They had this thing - another thing, of many - where his boyfriend touched Donghyuck and warned him _baby, you’re being too loud_ , and Donghyuck did the same. Because both of them kept raising their voices when talking, getting excited about the subject, but his boyfriend was the only one that didn’t adjust with time. Donghyuck rarely ever said anything loud enough for anyone other than whoever was right next to him to hear. His boyfriend wanted to be heard at all times.

“Because it wasn’t important. Still isn’t.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Oh my God, I forgot how petty you can be.” He exclaimed, condescending tone and all.

Donghyuck was the furthest thing from petty he knew. He wasn’t anymore, at least. Donghyuck wouldn’t say he would show him petty because that would prove his boyfriend’s point, and he really didn’t want that, but the thought that he was being read wrong this whole time bugged Donghyuck immensely.

“Why didn’t you bring food? Why are you here without an invitation- a warning when today’s like any other day to you and we didn’t have plans? Why do you expect me to do anything for you right now when I’m tired and stressed and you didn’t even _ask_ how I’m doing and- I don’t want you to touch me!”

Donghyuck’s volume went up with each breath he took, but when his boyfriend touched his arm, trying to get closer, the tightness in Donghyuck’s skin made him snap, and he shrieked. His boyfriend retrieved his hand by instinct alone, not because he understood Donghyuck’s scream. He touched Donghyuck against his will a lot. Sometimes in bed when they were fading into sleep and Donghyuck wanted to get deep into his rest, and his boyfriend wanted _something_ , but also at times like this. Like trying to soothe a distressed pet, with the exception that Donghyuck was not a pet, and he never reached the actual state of distress that required his boyfriend to do that. Until this conversation.

“I said. Why didn’t you bring food?” Donghyuck asked, gritting his teeth.

“Uh. You are being unreasonable right now. Calm down.”

Donghyuck felt like he was in a movie. Maybe on a TV show. He remembers looking at the wall for a moment like there was a camera there and he could ask _can y’all see this shit?_. He reached the nearest vase and threw it at his boyfriend. He threw a plate, a cup, a pillow, the remote. Donghyuck was saying the most random things that became all pertinent right that instant.

About how nothing was ever a big deal to him, not when his boyfriend went out with his friends and ghosted him for the entire next day probably nursing a hangover on someone’s couch, not when he agreed on a time to meet and appeared hours late to the date Donghyuck didn’t even want to go in the first place, not when his mother-in-law called Donghyuck wanting to know from his boyfriend because he wouldn’t tell his own mom a single thing about his life. It wasn’t a big deal to Donghyuck that his boyfriend would never tidy his room in the shared apartment he lived in with his friends because it wasn’t really his house, just somewhere in between now and his future permanent place, that hadn’t shown any signs of existing for the past four years. It was definitely not a big deal that he argued with Donghyuck’s friends about the most nonsensical unimportant things and would be mad at him afterwards like Donghyuck was the one at fault for his boyfriend and someone else not seeing eye to eye on issues he most likely wasn’t right about anyway because he knew nothing about them.

“What are you even _saying_ right now?! Listen to yourself!”

But Donghyuck didn’t need to. All the things he was saying out loud he had already mulled inside his head many times before, when he was feeling particularly selfish enough not to care what his boyfriend would think of him if he could read Donghyuck’s mind. That was the level of guilt and people-pleasing Donghyuck had reached. He wouldn’t dare think about all the things wrong with their relationship - with his boyfriend - for far too long, in fear. Fear of confrontation not only with his boyfriend but especially with himself. 

Donghyuck was tired in a way that didn’t drain but instead wired him, gave him a strength he didn’t know he had. Or maybe just didn’t remember. There was a fight, when Donghyuck was still in school, that ended with tears streaking down his face, fogging his glasses, and there was also determination in his voice while talking down to a dumb boy in between classes. Donghyuck didn’t remember what it was all about, but he remembered feeling passionate and strong. Ownership of himself that became dormant with time, that he consciously missed, feeling wonder and fear of what could happen if he ever became that powerful again.

_

A week before his fateful breakup, Donghyuck spent most of his savings helping his mom with a medical emergency. Two weeks after the breakup, he was fired from his job. Being honest with himself, he’d say that was a long time coming (just like everything else, it seemed), but it still hurt. He had no safety net, no way to maintain his living situation, and he was alone. He had no work friends - not because he hadn’t tried, but no one in his office cared to be friendly enough -, hadn’t talked to his friends in weeks, months maybe, and his parents were in another time zone entirely.

The day of the breakup, as soon as it happened, it hit him that he had maybe ruined the only thing that was right in his life. That he had destroyed in seconds what took him so much effort to build. That he loved his ex, that it was dumb to throw it all away. No matter the speech filled with all the wrong and unforgivable things he had just given, Donghyuck panicked.

He called Renjun. He was Donghyuck’s oldest friend, he didn’t care if Donghyuck spoke to him last Monday or last year, he would always pick up. It was late, but when he did, all Donghyuck knew to do was cry. He was sobbing and Renjun patiently tried to make him explain what was going on so he could do something about it.

“I’m not home yet, but Chenle is. Go there. You don’t have to- shouldn’t be alone.”

Donghyuck arrived to a makeshift bed in his friends’ living room, warm tea and Chenle’s open arms waiting for him. He cried and cried and cried and defended his ex boyfriend to his friends who at every point argued with Donghyuck saying the same things he himself had said not two hours ago but that already seemed so far-fetched. Renjun guaranteed him that he made the right decision and would see that for himself in a day. Chenle agreed.

That night he woke up to a long and elaborate message from his ex saying sorry in all the ways he could say that without really saying it. Apologizing for something Donghyuck thought he did but actually didn’t do. Donghyuck felt like he was going mad. The next morning, the text was gone and he wondered if it had been a dream.

Three days after he was fired, he hadn’t uttered a word to his friends about it. He was ashamed, feeling like he wasn’t enough, like he was a failure and would never come out of that hole. He heard a knock on the door and froze with fear thinking it could be his ex. Donghyuck wasn’t ready to deal with that again yet - or ever. In the end, it was just Chenle, carrying Chinese takeout. Afraid of Donghyuck’s radio silence for days, he took a chance on showing up to Donghyuck’s place and in no time at all Donghyuck was already crying while shoving lo mein into his mouth.

He told Chenle everything. About his mother’s health scare, more about the breakup - he skipped the breaking dishes part the first time -, being fired and not having enough money to even cover that month’s expenses. Chenle listened in silence, only humming in acknowledgment when Donghyuck provided any new information. When he was done eating and talking, Chenle looked at him curiously.

“I’m not going to ask you why you didn’t ask for my help. Or Renjun’s. But now I’m offering it. Let me help you. We can help you pay what you have to pay to get out of this place and you can come live with us.”

“What?” Donghyuck’s voice was small just like he felt.

“Live with us. Temporarily, of course. You were overqualified for your job, anyway, you’ll find something new in no time. We pay off whatever bills are left, and get you out of this lease.” he said, with a finality that left no place for arguing.

“Okay.” Donghyuck said, feeling like crying again.

“Okay, then. Let’s start packing.”

In a week, he was back at the makeshift bed in his friends’ living room, still feeling like a failure, but at least he knew he wasn’t alone.

_

Donghyuck saw, in retrospect, where he went wrong. Introducing Jaemin to Renjun was a trainwreck he should’ve seen coming. Trainwreck for him, of course, because his friends were having a fucking _ball_. They were best friends in what felt like minutes after they met, and Donghyuck had been teased and made fun of by both even though he’d done nothing particularly dumb in their time at the bar. Renjun told Jaemin every embarrassing story about Donghyuck he could think of, and Jaemin piled on those mercilessly.

He was glad Chenle couldn't be there because that would have escalated Donghyuck’s mild embarrassment to stratospheric levels. His friend wasn’t familiar with the concept of being chill and would put Donghyuck’s business out there with a sweet innocent smile on his face. Jisung also couldn’t make it, but Jaemin invited another friend of his that hadn’t arrived yet.

Eventually, his friend showed up. His name was Jeno. He was about the same height as Donghyuck, with a pretty face, eyes that disappeared to a line when he smiled in greeting and hair so black and shiny it didn’t look real. For a moment, Donghyuck was frozen. Stuck in place, eyeing the hand Jeno was offering in greeting. Renjun took it instead, resting his other hand on Donghyuck’s back and excusing them, getting him out of the bar.

“Are you okay?” Renjun asked when they reached the sidewalk. Donghyuck didn’t know.

Jeno was the spitting image of his ex boyfriend. He had come to this place with his ex countless times when he could afford it, because his ex wouldn’t pay, but had come back with both Chenle and Renjun after they separated and felt nothing. Meeting Jeno was the first time he felt truly triggered in months. He felt his eyes burning, his heart beating faster. He wanted to run away, to go home and hide.

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you want me to go back in there and tell them you had a bathroom emergency?”

Glaring at Renjun’s mischievous and knowing smile, Donghyuck said no. He would go back in there and get over the feeling that he was in front of the person that he allowed to take so much from him, during so many years, and would enjoy his time with his friends trying to keep from apologizing for speaking too loudly, drinking too much, touching too comfortably. Jeno wasn’t his ex.

It worked. Mostly. It was like exposure therapy. He had to remind himself where and when in time he was, be aware of his behavior in ways he hadn’t before, forcing himself to act like the current version of him he was instead of slipping into the subdued Donghyuck he spent years being. Jeno was nothing at all like his ex. He was fun and kind and noticeably more easygoing and quiet than his ex. Jaemin met him in high school and he was a physics teacher, living a life completely different from his friend’s. He held Jaemin’s hand sometimes, caressed his fingers, and Donghyuck couldn’t help but wonder if friends were all they ever were.

By the end of the night, Donghyuck felt like he had accomplished something big. Like he unknowingly crossed a milestone in his journey of recovery from his old self. Only now he didn’t think of it as getting old _er_ Donghyuck back as much, recognizing that a new version of him was coming together, slowly but surely, and he liked it better than the old one.

_

**(CW)**

For days after meeting Jeno, Donghyuck kept having the same dream. He was in his bed, and his ex was sleeping behind him. Donghyuck had become a light sleeper, so any movement or touch made him wake up. He startled when he felt his ex boyfriend's hand on his shoulder, going down to his elbow, then lower until they rested on his hip.

 _Why are you so far? Stay with me_ , he said.

Donghyuck felt hot and sweaty, felt clammy hands gripping him tighter when he tried to move away. He heard himself saying no, saying he wanted to sleep, to be left alone.

 _It’s like you don’t ever want me in your bed_ , he whispered in Donghyuck’s ear, making him feel hotter to the point he was more than uncomfortable. He wanted to bolt from that bed.

_Sleep then. You don’t have to be awake for this anyway._

He always woke up the moment he felt his ex’s tongue against his ear, his heart racing and tears threatening to spill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very little nahyuck, i know, but i did warn it was gonna be slow.  
> if you read to this point, thank you!  
> each person that takes their time to read what i wrote means the world to me <3


	2. Part TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love this part, so i hope you like it too
> 
> as i previously said, proofreading my own writing is hard, be patient with me pls
> 
> cw: just like part one, the entire story contains mentions of abuse, clearer now, but there's specifically fatphobia one moment. i'll put a **(CW)** at the beginning of that part and you can skip to after the break where the next one starts.

The ease with which Donghyuck invited himself to Johnny and Taeyong’s home was surprising to him. He didn’t think they would ignore or resent him, but he wasn’t expecting an invitation like they talked every day instead of having not seen each other in three years. It was weird. In the beginning, the four of them - Taeyong, Johnny, Donghyuck and his ex - had had a bunch of double dates. Johnny had apparently hit it off with his ex until one day he didn’t show up anymore, and Taeyong stopped showing up too.

They always texted Donghyuck, asked him about his life, but Donghyuck was never great at keeping contact with people online, so he stopped answering. Life was busy for adults, he thought, seeing his friends less and less was something he expected. His ex filled most of his free time and he just thought it was natural. He was wrong. Sitting in Taeyong’s living room, he could see he was wrong.

The look of happiness in his friend’s face surprised him too. 

“Man, we have so much to talk about!” Taeyong said, excited. “How are you doing? I saw you moved, and have a new job.” _and is single_ , Donghyuck heard the thing left unsaid.

“I’m...” How was he, really? “getting there.”

Taeyong slow blinked, smile dimming a little. Maybe he wasn’t expecting honesty so soon into their conversation, but he recovered quickly. He patted Donghyuck’s arm and said

“Go on.”

_

Close to two months of sleeping on a cheap mattress in Renjun and Chenle’s living room, Donghyuck heard his friends talking. They were clearly trying not to be heard, but the apartament wasn’t _that_ big and Donghyuck doubted Chenle knew a volume lower than his normal one - which was naturally loud. They were worried. In all of the time he was there, he made himself useful by cooking, cleaning and doing anything that would help him not be the freeloader he knew he was. Renjun said he didn’t need to and Chenle said the same, until one day he gave up denying Donghyuck’s cooking and started asking for specific dishes.

Even with their semi hushed tones, Donghyuck got the gist: Renjun was worried about him, that he was depressed and that they not pressuring him wasn’t helping, Chenle said they should let him be and that things would work out when Donghyuck wanted them to.

What he took from the conversation was that he needed to move his ass.

He used to work at a company responsible for managing a few properties, an administrative job he got right out of college that had no room for growth but paid the bills he desperately needed paid while studying for his masters degree in creative media. He didn’t like the job, but he didn’t hate it either, and that was enough. _Enough_ , a common theme in his life. Donghyuck got his computer and started looking for jobs while his friends were still talking into the night. He applied to a bunch of places he knew were far out of his league, but he’d already been rejected by _life_ , what did it matter if he received one extra email saying they weren’t interested?

The next morning, while he was making a happy face with syrup on Chenle’s pancake, his phone rang and, by the time the call was finished, he had an interview at one of those impossible places.

_

Johnny was less receptive than Taeyong at first, but that lasted probably five minutes. They had gotten married, that much he got from instagram, and if Donghyuck had cared enough to answer their messages, he would’ve been invited to the small party they hosted to celebrate. But he didn’t. That was what Johnny was mad about, but one look from Taeyong and he left it alone.

Well, partly what Johnny was mad about. Turns out whatever fallout he had with Donghyuck’s ex had been about marriage too, another thing he didn’t believe to be a social convention worth taking seriously. It would’ve been impossible having a four year relationship without discussing the subject, so Donghyuck had an idea of how his and Johnny’s conversation might’ve gone. He’d had it numerous times before. Donghyuck didn’t care much for a traditional ceremony or big reception, but he wanted a celebration nonetheless. His ex thought that was a waste of time and money.

“I was so pissed, he was such an asshole. But baby,” Johnny said to Donghyuck “The thing that made me angry was just that I knew you wouldn’t have liked what he said. It was… mean.”

“Yeah, he was.”

After that Taeyong easily changed the subject. He was a believer that you shouldn’t dwell on things that were over and done, and Donghyuck could see it for what it was: his friend was still taking care of him, in his own way. They told him about their business, a bookstore, how it had grown and that they were thinking about expanding. Donghyuck invited them to his house, so they could see the new life he was building for himself.

He left his friends’ house at almost midnight, eyes burning with unshed tears.

_

Sometimes he still couldn’t believe his luck. Donghyuck couldn’t believe his job was real. When he was hired, he gifted Renjun and Chenle the wine he had gotten on his _welcome to the company_ package. It was great wine. It was also a great job.

His employer was a man that created a space to manage the dozens of upscale restaurants owned. In essence, Donghyuck got to sit with managers, chefs, sub chefs, sometimes even more restaurant staff, and a few colleagues to discuss the creative direction the restaurants would be taking. He helped decide what to change on the locations’ overall artistic concept, from the branding to the interior design, tasting the food, and listening to grown man wax poetic about produce while designing a way to revamp the place without throwing away its identity.

On the third restaurant renovation he helped, his boss gave him a raise, claiming that before Donghyuck no one in that position had been efficient and innovative like him. He had never been paid so much money before. He paid off Renjun and Chenle and started looking for a new place to live. By the seventh restaurant, he got another raise and two assistants. The owner - his employer - was an older rich man living off of profits from other businesses, the restaurants almost a hobby. Donghyuck responded directly to him, no middle management involved. He dealt with the restaurants’ accounts he’d been given on his own way and if the chefs and clients were satisfied then so was his boss, which gave him plenty of time to write his postponed thesis.

The office was located across the street from Renjun’s law firm and Chenle’s startup. They had lunch together and went home together. His friends visited his office and whined about how it was comfy and informal. Donghyuck mostly ignored Renjun, because law firms would never allow sneakers and bean bags, but he never let the chance to remind Chenle that he _owned_ the startup he worked at pass, therefore being able to change anything he didn’t like by simply saying so. Donghyuck always received an eye roll and bored face in response.

“Remember when I got you lo mein and you ugly cried?” Chenle asked one day on one of their lunches without Renjun.

“Nope. That never happened.”

“Okay, so you do remember.” Chenle continued, undeterred. “I told you you were overqualified for that crappy job, but I don’t think you listened over your sniffling.”

“Chenle, you are always right, never to be corrected.” Donghyuck deadpanned. His friend got smug anyway.

“I know. So, aren’t you glad you broke up with that douche? That’s what brought you here.”

“While I _am_ glad I’m single, with a new job and a healthy mother now, I don’t think I’d like to go through that again to get here. I wouldn’t have minded if it had been a tiny bit easier.”

Chenle stayed silent for a while, considering his words. Donghyuck was expecting some sage advice, but instead, Chenle said

“Eh, sometimes a kick in the ass is the only way life finds to get you moving.”

_

Jaemin invited him to watch one of his dress rehearsals and Donghyuck almost passed out from giddiness. It was quite ridiculous. He had talked about Jaemin in therapy, how meeting him changed something inside Donghyuck. Like opening a door he didn’t remember closing but that definitely had more locks than it should. He had let Jaemin in without overthinking, without considering all the ways he could- would be hurt if something, anything happened between them. Given his past experiences, Donghyuck didn’t consider friendships safe relationships either.

Donghyuck just decided, that night looking out the bay, that he’d try, but the stellar success of his decision still came as a shock. His therapist constantly reminded him that he said he wanted to get out in the world again, rebuild bridges and create new ones, that it was his decision and he shouldn’t be surprised by something going right in his life. Many things were going just fine for him.

But still. Opening night was close for Jaemin. Donghyuck could feel Jaemin’s nervous energy charging his body, and he always complained about having people distract him while watching his rehearsals. Inviting Donghyuck was not something he expected to happen.

“We’ve known each other for a decade and you never let me see you before opening day, Nana.” Jeno complained one night when they were playing board games and drinking at Jisung and Jaemin’s home.

He could deal with Jeno now. Donghyuck was correct in his assessment that they hadn’t always been just friends. Jaemin told him Jeno had been his first boyfriend, that after a few months of dating and being awkward around each other they decided to go back to their platonic relationship. Jaemin just liked touching people, it soothed him, and Jeno obliged. With the growth of intimacy within their friendship, Donghyuck was also constantly being hugged, having his hands held and kissed on the cheek by Jaemin. He didn’t complain.

“Because you- all of you” Jaemin proclaimed, pointing a finger at Jisung too. “-don’t have the attention span for it. You guys talk and fidget and make me nervous.”

“And Donghyuck doesn’t?” Jisung asked, indulging Jaemin’s tipsy rant.

“Hyuckie here helps me relax. He’s great. He’s like... Look at his face!” Jarmin said, pinching Donghyuck cheek, turning him to Jisung. “He is pretty and calm and watches the sunset with me in _silence_. You both could never. Not even Katy.” he finished, pointing to Jisung’s cat resting on the couch.

Oblivious to the glances Jeno, Jisung and Donghyuck exchanged, Jaemin got up from the floor to get water. Donghyuck felt himself blushing, and the smile growing in Jeno’s eyes wasn’t helping. He wished Jaemin knew he was worming his way into Donghyuck’s heart with each compliment, each recognition of who he was as a person. Each friend date, each discussion about anything, all of the things, each sunset they watched together in _silence_.

“I hope he remembers this tomorrow.” Jisung grumbled, making Donghyuck sigh, and Jeno patted him sympathetically on the back.

“Yeah, so do I.”

The rehearsal was one of Donghyuck’s most fascinating experiences. He loved it. He didn’t utter a word. He sometimes caught Jaemin smiling in his direction, and Donghyuck smiled back. It was too late to try and close the door again.

_

So much time had passed without Donghyuck’s subconscious bringing back his ex to the forefront of his mind that when he woke up from a nightmare with him, Donghyuck was afraid he had actually traveled back in time. It felt so real, and he was so gone in the dream he couldn’t shake the feeling and go back to sleep.

In his dream, his ex searched Donghyuck’s phone for evidence. Of what, Donghyuck didn’t know. But he found it and he was furious. He wouldn’t say what happened and Donghyuck became _desperate_. His boyfriend stormed out of their shared apartment that they never had in real life and Donghyuck kept calling him, texting him and he wouldn’t respond, why wouldn’t he respond? Donghyuck hadn’t done anything wrong!

He was catapulted to a scene in the middle of an argument where his ex used his meanest, most condescending voice.

 _You’re not worth it_ , he said, _Look at everything we built and you ruin it by babbling your mouth to your friends talking shit about me!_

Donghyuck screamed that that wasn’t true. He didn’t remember saying anything bad about his boyfriend, but it didn’t matter what he’d thought he didn’t do. What mattered was that his boyfriend thought he had done something, said something, and Donghyuck had to apologize. He would police himself better, he would make sure everyone knew his boyfriend was a _great_ boyfriend.

 _Too late, because they don’t like me anymore_ , his boyfriend growled, _but I forgive you, I know you won’t do it again_.

Donghyuck tossed and turned all night. He thought about calling Renjun or Taeyong, but felt silly. It was just a dream. That hadn’t happened. But… it had. Not exactly like that, but Donghyuck remembered begging for forgiveness for things he didn’t do, and ostracizing the very same friends he wanted to call to help with a mess of his own creation. He felt guilty, gullible and dumb.

Donghyuck sat on his bed and watched the moon go and the sun come.

_

Jaehyun was out of the country on a work trip when Donghyuck tried contacting him. Taeyong had warned him that that might’ve been a possibility, so Donghyuck wasn’t put off by Jaehyun’s short message declining his invitation to meet. Hours later, Jaehyun sent him another message saying he was in a meeting when he first answered and that yes, he’d very much like to see Donghyuck, that he missed him and would be back in a couple of days.

Donghyuck was relieved. Jaehyun had been one of his most tolerant friends, but his ex had always cultivated inexplicable jealousy towards him. He was beautiful, charming and intelligent in ways that - Donghyuck could see with a little perspective - intimidated his ex. Maybe the jealousy had never been about losing Donghyuck, maybe it had always been envy of the person Jaehyun was and he could never be. Donghyuck would never know.

The hug Jaehyun gave him when Donghyuck opened the door to his apartment to let him in was so warm, so full of _longing_ , that Donghyuck couldn’t help crying. They got in still hugging each other and Jaehyun held him until the tears stopped. Jaehyun didn’t cry, but Donghyuck saw that he was affected by the reunion too.

He was still carrying his carry-on bag, having come directly from the airport. Donghyuck had offered him his spare bedroom, taking a risk. Jaehyun didn’t live in the city anymore, not really. He rented short term when needed, but he traveled most of the year courtesy of the sports teams he covered for the news station he worked for. Donghyuck had seen him on TV once, subbing a colleague that had gotten sick, but Jaehyun mostly worked behind the cameras.

In the morning, when they were having breakfast, Jaehyun apologized to him. It made no sense to Donghyuck. He hadn’t done anything wrong, Donghyuck was the one who pushed him away.

“But I let you,” Jaehyun argued when he said as much. “I hated your ex, and he made clear it was mutual, no doubt, but you were like family to me and I let you push me away.”

“It takes two, then.” Donghyuck relented.

“Yes, Hyuck. And I’m sorry, I thought you were happy with him, I thought that what he said about you not wanting me around was true and I should’ve known better.”

“He said that?”

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun tried again.

“Stop apologizing, for God’s sake,” Donghyuck mumbled, getting annoyed by the second. Frustrated, but only with himself. “You took care of me for years when I moved to the city and I was the prick that ditched you the moment I found someone.”

Donghyuck decided to tell him everything. From the problems they had at the beginning of the relationship to the final fight and everything in between. He told Jaehyun about the nightmares, about seeing a therapist, about things he didn’t even think were important until he said out loud.

Jaehyun stayed with him for a week before he had to go back to work, but Donghyuck felt like he had gone back in time, to when they were roommates and Jaehyun was showing him the ropes to survive in a big university campus and even bigger city. Donghyuck became the young brother Jaehyun never had, and he gave love and affection to Donghyuck without ever smothering him or making him feel stupid. He introduced him to Taeyong and Johnny. He gave Donghyuck the choice to have a family far from home.

But Jaehyun also never interfered with his decisions and kept his opinions to himself unless asked. Donghyuck had a phase where he wore a ridiculous beanie every day to class and Jaehyun didn’t even bat an eye at the sight. When he asked Jaehyun years later why he hadn’t said anything about how utterly ridiculous he looked, his friend shook his head, smiling and said

“Would you have stopped? We both know you better than try to change the way you live, bro.” Donghyuck threw the chips he was about to eat at Jaehyun. “Whatever change you make has to be your idea, your choice, or it won’t happen.”

Donghyuck took Jaehyun to the airport with Johnny and remembered that harmless conversation on his way back home.

_

**(CW)**

Usually Donghyuck and Chenle talked nonstop on their lunches without Renjun. They shared stories about their millennial office experiences and Chenle always brightened his mood. It was only when he stayed silent that Donghyuck looked up to find Chenle with his fork midair, a frown on his face, that Donghyuck considered something could be wrong.

“Uh, what happened?”

“What you just said. Say it again.” Chenle said, motioning his fork to Donghyuck dish.

“It’s been a while since I ate shrimp mac and cheese?” He answered tentatively. Chenle shook his head.

“No, not that. After that. The thing about your ex.”

“Ah.” Donghyuck didn’t want to say it again. He knew how it would sound. “I said it’s been a while since I ate mac and cheese because my ex didn’t let me.”

“Hyuck...”

“He used to say that if I got fat he’d dump me, but that would never happen because we would always be together so he wouldn’t _let_ me get fat, because he would never date someone he couldn’t be attracted to.”

They stayed silent for a few more minutes. Donghyuck had lost most of his appetite, but he forced himself to eat. He would eat all the mac and cheese in the world.

“Did you not… see?” Chenle asked, after some time. Donghyuck looked at him and saw sympathy, not pity.

“I did. I think. I’m not sure.” It was scary talking about this because he was in public and he was always afraid he’d discover something new at the wrong time. “Stuff happened and I didn’t think it was important so it kept happening until it was so normal it didn’t even register.”

“Does it happen often? You saying things like this like it’s just some regular shit?” Chenle’s tone wasn’t judgemental, just curious.

“Kind of? I mean, my therapist said I’ll remember things more clearly now that I’m processing the relationship. Basically what happens is my brain tries to protect me from getting more hurt by hiding a lot of what went on at that time. When it feels like I might be okay remembering, it gives me the memory back.” Donghyuck played with his hair, distracting himself. It was the longest it had ever been.

“That’s awful.”

“That’s trauma, I guess.” Another beat of silence.

“I’m sorry we didn’t do more,” Chenle said, in a small voice. The smallest Donghyuck heard from him. “I’m sorry we didn’t help you.”

Donghyuck wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t think much before responding

“Me too, Lele.”

_

Donghyuck didn’t have nightmares anymore. That was good. But he remembered everything now. That was terrible and painful.

_

There was a man sitting on the sidewalk in front of his building and Donghyuck immediately took his phone out to call Jaemin. It was late into the night after one drink turned countless with Johnny and Jaehyun. He was past tipsy and a perfect prey for a robber. The neighborhood was safe, but they lived in a big city nonetheless. He could be attacked. It wasn’t unheard of. 

He heard Jaemin’s phone ringing and the stranger reached inside the bag laying by his side. The stranger _was_ Jaemin.

“Oh my God, what happened to your hair!?” Donghyuck said in way of greeting. 

For the first time in the months they had been friends, Jaemin hair was black. He passed his hand through his hair, like he was, indeed, the bearer of said hair. He was smiling and Donghyuck could’ve sworn he saw him blush, but the street’s lighting wasn’t the best. He was dressing a thick wool coat, summer days long gone at the bay, and he looked beautiful. So incredibly beautiful Donghyuck had a hard time looking away from his face when Jaemin got up to hug him.

“Good night to you too, Hyuckie.” His tone was playful, his hand on Donghyuck’s cheek.

“Yeah, that. Not that I’m not glad to see you, but do you know what time it is?”

“Oh I sure do, do you? Don’t you have to work early tomorrow?”

Donghyuck motioned for them to enter the building - which, well, Jaemin didn’t need to wait on the sidewalk, both he and Jisung had a key to his place as well as he did to theirs in case they needed anything. Jaemin could’ve just sent him a text giving him a heads up. But then again, Jaemin never entered his home without Donghyuck being in it and inviting him.

“They rescheduled the big meeting.” he shrugged, opening the door. Only then he saw that Jaemin was carrying something other than his usual bag. A big cardboard box. “What the hell is that?”

“You get so rude when you drink, Hyuckie.” Jaemin said, fake pouting. He was adorable.

“I’m, uh, sorry. But. Did something happen? It’s late, and you didn’t say anything about coming over.”

“Oh, right. I got distracted.”

“By what?” He narrowed his eyes, but Jaemin just ignored him.

“The moon. That’s not important. I’m a little wired because they changed our rehearsal schedule and we are leaving early and my flight is in like-” Jaemin checked his watch. “Five hours.”

“Five _hours_?” 

“Don’t worry, I always pack stuff in advance so I don’t forget anything. It’s a headache trying to find certain things in other countries.” Donghyuck wouldn’t know, he had never gone that far. “But I had something to give you. I knew you were out with the guys, and I got home late too, so it was fine-”

“You bought me a parting gift? Are you dying?” 

“Oy, the dramatics! Of course, I’m not dying. How much did you have to drink?”

“Not much.” Donghyuck was thirsty, his head was starting to pound and he definitely didn’t have full control over his movements. “Well, maybe more than I’m used to.”

“Alright.” Jaemin sat on his couch, leaving the box by the door. “You can see what it is in the morning when you’re feeling like more of a real person.”

“I’m flesh, I’m real.” Donghyuck hit Jaemin in the arm. “Does this seem real to you?”

“Yes, don’t do it again.”

“You look beautiful.” Donghyuck blurted. Jaemin was vaguely illuminated by the moon, it gave him an ethereal vibe Donghyuck thought suited him. He looked like an angel. Maybe a faerie. He was wearing all black, so probably a soft seductive deceiving demon.

“Glad you like it. It’s the production’s fault. They analyzed the footage from the weekend and everyone with colorful or bright hair was-” Jaemin did air quotes. “-clashing with the costumes. They politely asked us to change it to either black or brown.”

Donghyuck attended Thursday - opening night - and Sunday performances and in his uninformed opinion - but not really, he worked with _concepts_ , come on -, nothing was clashing. The costumes were half black, half white, as was the stage. It was a big enough stage that the small bit of color the dancers’ hair provided was not strong enough to distract anyone. 

They had performed four times at the city theater, as was customary to begin the tour before moving on to the other cities. Donghyuck thought they’d have more time until that happened, but his life sure was moving again, and time was merciless.

“It’s darker than Jeno’s.”

“If I went brown I would’ve been too bland.”

“That’s literally not possible. You’re the furthest thing from bland a person can get.” Donghyuck dismissed him with a wave.

“Thanks, Hyuckie.” Jaemin said, amused. “I just wanted to see you because I know we were supposed to do something before I left and this is the only thing I could think of with the change.”

“Couldn’t leave without seeing me, huh?” he asked jokingly, but it fell flat. 

“No. I couldn’t.” Donghyuck saw Jaemin huff, looking sad.

He rested his head, looking at the ceiling, and Donghyuck played with his hair. Jaemin interlaced his fingers with Donghyuck’s on his free hand. It was peaceful, and he could feel himself drifting, eyelids heavy. Jaemin pulled him to his chest while moving down on the sofa so they’d be more comfortable.

“You can sleep, Hyuckie. I’ll stay and get my fill of you until I have to leave.” Donghyuck was too sleepy to argue. “I already miss you.”

“I already miss you too.”

Donghyuck woke up in his bed, still in yesterday’s clothes. It was the first time after his breakup he slept sharing space with someone. He slept well, didn’t wake up once, and had no dreams to account for. He didn’t feel Jaemin moving him, much less him leaving. There was a glass of water, ibuprofen, and a note beside the bed. He took the water and the medicine and stayed far too long wondering what it meant to sleep with Jaemin and not wake up. To have Jeamin _touch_ him while he was asleep and not feel panic shut him down, cold sweat break out. To feel Jaemin’s hand on his hair and on his back and no imminent need to run away.

Eventually, he read the note.

_Drink it! It’s a beautiful day-_

Donghyuck looked out the window. It was raining, hard and heavy rain, but Donghyuck told Jaemin once that as long as he didn’t have to work he loved rainy days as much as the sunny ones. He loved the sound and smell of rain. He loved seeing the ocean become furious and the sound of thunder. It was a beautiful day.

_-and you can go to the pier (with a raincoat!! dress warmly!!) and pretend I’m there with you (:_

_Your present is in the living room, I put it by the window. Don’t forget about me!_

_Love you <3 _

As if. The image of Jaemin with his new black shiny hair was imprinted in Donghyuck’s memory.

Finally getting to the living room, after convincing his limbs they should move like it was any other day and there was no hangover involved, Donghyuck stopped in his tracks when he saw it. He looked to the kitchen, which was practically the same room given the size of his apartment, and saw the discarded box. He looked at the window again.

The sunflower greeted him in all its gloriousness. It was big, so big Donghyuck was asking himself where in the world Jaemin found this flower in the middle of autumn. He saw a box on the sofa that were fluorescent lights and another note. This one said

_If she was a baby, she wouldn’t get this big this season (or the next one)_

Jaemin said the plant was a she. Donghyuck snorted.

_But she needs the lights to live without the sun, so. There’s also a bag with more seeds and you can give her children!_

_Sunflowers remind me of you, Hyuck. They’re pretty and joyful. They’re hardy and can reach incredible heights when living their best life. They’re cheerful and bright and beautiful. Just like you._

_I hope you like it <3 _

He didn’t even feel the tears until they hit the paper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at jaemin...... also a lot of reconnecting happened this chapter, but we're getting less of the past as the story progresses  
> if you know nothing about contemporary dance and/or if you’d like to see my inspiration for jaemin being a dancer, i was watching [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTBJi3D7eUk) while writing. the complete performance is one of my favorite pieces of all time to rewatch (and i got to see it live once!)
> 
> again, if you read this far, thank you, it means a lot <3
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_honeyyyyyyyy_)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, last update.  
> it is not beta-ed and i proofread it only once due to lack of time, please forgive the misspellings and/or words that sound the same out loud but mean completely different things. i promise i'll read it a few more times and correct what i find.  
> cw: this chapter is lighter than the previous ones, but just to be safe: mentions of past abuse. it’s scarcely mentioned on a couple of parts and that’s it, no part with a specific cw to skip.

Donghyuck didn’t remember how, but somewhere along the way Jisung and Chenle became inseparable. They easily developed a dynamic Donghyuck was a little jealous of, consisting of a lot of PDA, anticipating each others’ needs and exchanging fond looks, and said as much one day when the five of them - him, Jeno, Renjun, Chenle and Jisung - were together at Jisung’s place. Renjun was having none of it.

“You say that like you don’t behave the exact same way with Jaemin.”

“Oh no, he’s worse.” Jeno added. Chenle laughed.

“Jaemin is on the other side of the world, and I’m right here, with _them_.” Donghyuck whined, pointing at the youngins.

“He literally called you ten minutes ago, Hyuck.”

“It’s not the same, Injunie.”

“But it’s what you have, so let’s be nice and stop the whining.”

The night ended with Jeno and Renjun in Donghyuck’s miniscule spare bedroom, having left Chenle and Jisung playing video games into the night at the other apartment as if both didn’t have responsibilities to attend to in the morning. He texted Jaemin, having already messed up the time zones in his head, and fell asleep.

The next Tuesday, he found himself at Jisung’s place again, with Chenle cooking for them while Jisung tried to teach him how to play the piano. Donghyuck’s hands were about half the size of Jisung’s, but he was doing fine according to the actual musician in the room. The lessons had been going on for a while, and Donghyuck suspected Jaemin had a hand in it. Scheming even miles away. Chenle recorded him playing and singing and he sent it to Jaemin.

_You sound like an angel_ , Jaemin texted back.

Every Tuesday after that he sent Jaemin a new video. 

_

Jaehyun was the first person Donghyuck told about Jaemin. It just so happened that he arrived at the city one day after they met and Donghyuck was still possessed by the same strange sensation that destiny was trying to tell him something. That what happened was an important event and should be remembered. His friend listened to his ramblings while unpacking his bags and continued to listen while they prepared dinner. Donghyuck shut up to eat and Jaehyun finally had time to offer his two cents.

“If you want it to be important, you just have to make it be. I didn’t mean to sound cryptic but, you know. If you liked him, just don’t run away if you meet again. If he turns out to be an asshole, then you let it go.”

Every time he met Jaemin after that conversation was with the thought that he could hold on to him, but he could let him go, too. He survived letting go before, he knew how that went, even though he still wasn’t done with the process - and maybe he’d never be. But Donghyuck needed to remember what it was to hold on to good things. He started the process with reclaiming old relationships. He needed to learn how to get new ones, good ones.

Donghyuck joked Jaehyun was acting like Dumbledore, helping and muddling his progress at the same time, to which he laughed and responded

“I’m learning with you, Hyuck. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.”

Donghyuck thought that was the best answer his friend could’ve given. It was nice knowing he wasn’t lost alone in life’s many paths.

_

The restaurant they were at was the first Donghyuck helped conceptualize from day one instead of only being part of the rebranding. His boss decided to try something new and he was glad to be a part of it because it was a complete success. As a treat, he managed to snatch a reservation for his birthday, enough to invite his friends. Everyone he cared about in this city was sitting around the table - except for Jaemin. He’d be back soon, Donghyuck knew. He wasn’t sure he was prepared for that, but he knew it was inevitable. He had a big yellow reminder in his living room that his feelings for Jaemin had gone nowhere.

It’s not like Jaemin helped. He sent selfies, called more days than not, shared his tales in his most entertaining voice, and listened to Donghyuck talk about his mundane routine like it was anything but that. Sometimes he’d fall asleep and his last memory would be of Jaemin’s voice, his own sleeping pill. Donghyuck felt like he would burst from excitement at times and get dizzy with the overwhelming feelings Jaemin stirred in him for the rest. Funny enough, the only people who knew about this in depth were his therapist and Jeno. The newly adopted friend was a great listener, much like Chenle, but kept the teasing minimal, unlike Chenle.

Jeno was very hard to faze. He indulged Jisung in his most weird endeavors, annoyed Renjun, remaining unbothered with his antics, and laughed at all of Chenle’s (often bad) jokes. Donghyuck told him about what happened the day they met for the first time. Jeno hummed and nodded, but didn’t say anything until he was done telling a very, very shortened version of his last relationship and the lingering fight or flight responses he still had. He showed Jeno a picture of his ex. His eyes widened slightly, an expression Donghyuck had rarely seen on him, and he agreed. Jeno was very much a long lost clone of his. Or maybe it was the other way around.

Donghyuck was able to show the photo to Jeno because, he explained to his friend, in an attempt to be a grown up, he never blocked his ex in any of his social media accounts. He didn’t even unfollow. All he did was use a feature to mute his posts everywhere and never thought about it again. Only once or twice, when he’d wake up in the middle of the night, trying to will his ex’s face to disappear from his mind altogether, and failing, Donghyuck would go to the man’s twitter feed and read all the idiotic things he plagued the internet with to try and show his conscious that _see, this is why you shouldn’t think of him!_ That strategy never worked.

One day, the muting feature stopped working. Donghyuck was watching his friends’ stories without paying much attention, and there his ex was on the next post, at a beach with a beer in hand, smiling at Donghyuck. He was so shocked, he dropped his phone. He tried unmuting and muting his ex again, but the tech community seemed to have a vendetta against him because it didn’t work and he kept showing up regardless. Donghyuck relented and unfollowed his ex. He didn’t know why he was torturing himself over something that bothered him, even though he lied to himself and said it didn’t. Who was he trying to impress? Did anyone care that he was trying to move on like an adult in control of his feelings? He wasn’t in control and it was about time he admitted that. 

The unfollowing was probably what made his ex send him a message. Not even a day later, he opened his instagram to a notification with his name. Donghyuck read the message once, then read it again, and one more time for good measure, and laughed. He was alone, but if someone was nearby he’d have asked them to read it for him because maybe he became illiterate and that group of letters together meant something else. The message contained a multitude of fake niceties, saying he found a few of Donghyuck’s books and wanted to return them, asking to go by his apartment (!) to drop them, and a request for his own belongings to be returned to him. Apparently, Donghyuck had a few items of clothing he left behind and other unimportant things. It was so out of the blue - almost an entire year with no contact whatsoever - that Donghyuck completely discarded the idea of it being serious.

Sitting in the restaurant he helped create, heart bursting with pride and love, and being surrounded by friends, the last person he expected to be mentioned was his ex. He was sure his confusion was written on his face as he heard Renjun say

“I didn’t know you were talking to your ex boyfriend again.” His voice was by no means loud, but Taeyong was right beside him and heard it too.

“Wait, what? Seriously?”

“Renjun, no. Why would you even ask this?”

“Your phone.” he said, pointing to the phone sitting on the table.

It had been just lit up with a notification. Donghyuck unblocked and sighed.

“I honestly don’t know what made him do this- no, scratch that, I think I do, but he sent me a DM asking for some clothes back and I ignored it. Look-” he shoved his phone in Renjun’s direction. “I never replied. I just… don’t care. I don’t even have the damn clothes.”

“Did you burn it?” Taeyong asked, earning a snort from Donghyuck.

“I donated to a shelter right after I moved out. They didn’t fit me, and he never came back to get them, so. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever have this conversation with him. It’s been _a year_.”

“But what now?” Renjun pondered.

“What do you mean what now? I still don’t want to see him.” He retorted, and then continued in a smaller voice “I don’t know if I can, Jun. You get that?”

“In my unprofessional opinion,” Taeyong said, squeezing Donghyuck’s knee “-closure is a myth. The only person you need to be sure is on the same page about it is yourself. And if what you told about your last fight is true then that should be closure enough.”

Donghyuck agreed. He left his ex on read, Renjun dropped the subject and everyone enjoyed the rest of their night. He was so happy, feeling his heart swell at the sight of his found family, the one he managed to get the pieces back together, being there to be thankful for his existence. There was a new addition, though. It was only the second time Donghyuck met Jaehyun’s boyfriend, but he already felt like he had a new brother. Given the way they started bickering as soon as they met, all in favor of having fun watching Jaehyun, ever the pacifist, get more and more exasperated, he was there to stay.

Doyoung lived a lifestyle similar to Jaehyun. They met at a fancy gala, something Jaehyun got often invited to but rarely indulged, while trying to find food better than the bland portions they were serving at the grand hall. Jaehyun had no idea who Doyoung was. He never covered Formula One, sticking to football and baseball. To Jaehyun, he was just a handsome man, looking dashing in a tux, that he desperately wanted to kiss when the time to part ways came. He didn’t know Doyoung was a famous pilot, rich and with a schedule crazier than anyone he had ever met. In between layovers, sport award shows, and a couple of strategic breaks, they made it work. Donghyuck had never seen Jaehyun so smitten.

It was the best birthday he had after the one when he celebrated being five, with teeth missing and chocolate plastered all over his face. He received hugs, kisses, and presents. He took advantage of the reunion by taking a thousand pictures, drinking expensive wine Doyoung and Chenle offered to pay for, and got his fill of love. He remembered a time when he thought there was a limit to love. That he could feel content with what was given to him by one person only. Embraced by Johnny and saying his goodbyes, he was happy for the change in what he believed: he could be loved by many people, in a lot of different ways, but all of them needed to be limitless when given.

_

More often than not, Jeno stayed by his place instead of Jisung’s because in a not that surprising turn of events, he was dating Chenle now and Jeno had had enough of hearing Chenle’s high pitched laughter into the night when it was only the three of them and he was in the next room. They were disgustingly cute, but Donghyuck could see in Jeno’s tolerant smile that he was desperately single and trying not to be the friend that rained on any couple’s parade. That’s why he woke up to find Jeno, acquainted with where all the kitchen appliances were placed, in his living room, drinking tea and eating waffles. He was lost in thought looking at Donghyuck’s window view.

“You are such a morning person.”

“I woke up _late_ , it’s ten already.” Jeno gestured to the kitchen, going back to looking out the window “I made breakfast for you too.”

Food in hand, they shared comfortable silence until Jeno got up to do the dishes. The sun was higher up, spring almost over and the weather better than it had been the week before. He was cursing his finger through the petals of a smaller sunflower he had planted after Jaemin gave him the seeds. They were way smaller than the first one because they grew at the heart of winter, with artificial lights and little sunshine, but Donghyuck loved them just the same. 

“Are those from Jaemin too?” Jeno asked, startling Donghyuck.

“In a sense. He gave me the seeds and the lights, so I could grow them on my own. The tall one is the one he gave me.”

“Ah-” Jeno was closer, admiring the babies “-he’s always known how to give gifts.”

“Has he given you flowers too?” Donghyuck was narrowing his eyes, but Jeno’s expression was nothing but amused.

“Oh, no. He gave me a trip, once. I was still a broke recently unemployed graduate, and he gave me a week in a cabin in the mountains. I said he was crazy, he said that was what he had for me and I should accept it. Said I’d come back ready to kick ass, or something ridiculous like that.”

“He’s so… extra.” _I love it_ , he wanted to say. But Jeno already knew that, too.

“He’ll come back with an extra suitcase, I just know it. He probably bought half of Europe in gifts for you.”

“I hope he didn’t, my apartment barely fits both of us now that I’m a plant father.” Jeno shook his head.

“He never gave me flowers because what he feels for me was never what he feels for you. It’s not the same with Jisung. Gifts might be his love language in general, but there are different types of gifts for each love he has.”

Donghyuck knew that. Objectively, he knew that because he was the same with his friends. What he felt for Taeyong was different from what he felt from Renjun, which was different from Jaehyun and so on and so forth. It was love all the same, but he wished- hoped Jaemin knew what he was doing. He gave something to Donghyuck to grow and take care of, something that he could make bloom, flourish, and overshadow whatever else was in the room. Jaemin gave him feelings that could easily do the same inside his heart. They met in the summer, and it was then that sunflowers grew the most.

_

Jaemin’s return was entirely too anticlimactic. Donghyuck was a bundle of nerves the week prior, but he got tired of being on edge about something he knew when, why and how would happen. The only variable he couldn’t control was Jaemin himself, but one therapy session later he understood on a conscious level that he shouldn’t be worried. At worst, things would be the same as they were before, and that had been good already.

He got out of his head, helped Jisung clean the apartment and organize the small chaos that it had become, and waited for his friend to come home. Jisung borrowed his car to pick Jaemin at the airport early morning, leaving Donghyuck and the cat behind in their living room. When Jaemin burst through the door carrying more bags than he took with him, Donghyuck was not surprised. He didn’t jump on Jaemin, didn’t squeal, didn’t cry. He was fine. More than fine. He was in his own personal heaven, eternal peace and all that.

Jaemin was visibly a mess, tired and soon to be jet lagged, but he smiled, a glorious smile, and Donghyuck couldn’t help but smile back. He took half of the bags, seeing that Jisung was trailing right behind him carrying more, dropped them in the living room and hugged Jaemin like he’d been wanting to do for months. Donghyuck felt tenderness, happiness and an urge to kiss him, so he did the closest thing to what he truly wanted, smothering his face with small pecks. That made Jaemin laugh and hug him harder.

“It’s like I came back from war.” He said, backing away. He smelled like airport, coffee and his signature citrus perfume. 

“Might as well. You look like you flew here outside the plane, what is this _hair_?” Donghyuck whined, playing with Jaemin’s locs.

“It took me a whole day to come back, I have no idea how I look.” he complained, oozing exhaustion.

Donghyuck and Jisung took care of his bags while he took a shower to get rid of many cities' worth of dirt. He warmed up what was left of the breakfast they had made earlier so Jaemin could eat something that tasted like home. There was nothing left when he was done eating, and Donghyuck tasked Jisung with cleaning duty.

“Hyuck, I’m so tired. Like...” Jaemin trailed off.

“I get it, you’re dead.”

“I don’t get why you keep trying to kill me off, but yeah, this time I agree.”

“You go sleep and we’ll see each other later, okay?” He hugged Jaemin, motioning to leave.

“I think I’d rather you come with me.” Jaemin pulled him back. “Let’s go to sleep.”

“Don’t you want your sweet bed all to yourself? Make love to your weighted blanket and stuff?” His friend snorted at that.

“I slept alone for months. I’m done with that. Come on, humour me.”

Donghyuck wanted to hold Jaemin for as long as he’d let him, so he went along. He allowed Jaemin to take his hand and guide him to his bedroom, he let Jaemin pull him into bed and rest his head on Donghyuck’s chest, falling asleep almost immediately. He played with Jaemin’s freshly washed hair, inhaling more of the citrusy scent he missed so much. Eventually, he fell asleep too.

_

Having Jaemin back meant spending less time at the office, both because Donghyuck didn’t have to distract himself from his absence or prove himself like he had when he first started. He could indulge in riding a bike before the sun was set and having a drink in the middle of the week. The only one that often joined Jaemin and him was Chenle, who made his own schedule even though he pretended he didn’t. He used their outings as an excuse to go back with Jaemin to his apartment and attach himself to Jisung once again.

Donghyuck was glad his group of friends had meshed so well. He could remember the last time he felt truly alone - laying on his old living room floor, staring at the ceiling wishing for a solution, a blessing, _something_ that could save him from the mess his life had become. A mess he had helped create, had allowed to take place and prosper. His mind had been running a mile a minute, coming up with possible scenarios and all of those ended badly. He remembered how much his head was hurting, thinking that he was going to have a major headache from all the crying he had been doing, and that there was no hope.

Donghyuck learned in therapy, later, that having expectations and having hope were different things. He had been let down, the expectations he had for the future were never going to be met. But he didn’t think he’d had hope for a long time before that. He couldn’t see himself marrying his ex, he panicked when he thought about raising children with him, he accepted the fact that he would never travel certain places or have a family. He hadn’t believed things would be good, in the end.

He had expected many things - to not be single, to keep his stable job -, but none of that translated to hope. The sentiment that, even though things were terrible, they would get better, had never been there. Not until Chenle had shown up at his door, with food and kindness, and shown him that he needed someone other than himself to get out of that hole. His friends gave him space, care and an opportunity to see what could be, regardless of what had been or what he had expected.

“I don’t think I ever thanked you for feeding me lo mein that day.” He said to Chenle on one of the afternoons they had together.

They were resting their bikes at the pier railings, waiting for Jaemin to come back with drinks for them when he remembered that lost, helpless Donghyuck, clearer in his mind because of the contrast to the blissful person he felt he became.

“Well, we talked about it once. You admitted that I’m always right. Always. Never to be corrected.” Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “But I don’t think you thanked me, no.”

“Thank you, Lele. You saved my life.” He said earnestly. Chenle said nothing, remained looking at the water. “I don’t like to think how much longer I would have been struggling by myself, or even if I would’ve ever let you guys in if you hadn’t taken that choice away from me. You just helped me, no questions, and I-”

“Please don’t cry. I’ve seen you cry enough for two lifetimes.” Chenle said when he finally looked at him.

Donghyuck didn’t even realize he was crying, albeit nothing like the lo mein day. Then, he’d been desperate, confused and overwhelmed. The only thing overwhelming him now was gratitude.

“You’re welcome, I guess.” Chenle said after a while. “I love you, Hyuck, and I missed you when you drifted from me. So maybe what I did for you was more about me than you think, you know? I’m happy if you’re happy, that’s how our friendship worked. Still works.”

“You’re happy now, then?”

Chenle smiled, brightly. “Yeah. I am.”

Donghyuck hugged him, because he just couldn’t help it.

_

Donghyuck tried having a heart to heart with Renjun, but before he even began, Renjun blurted the news that he was dating someone he met at work, that the guy was so handsome, so tall, so smart. It was so unexpected that even Chenle, who lived with him, had been surprised when finding out the day before. He told Donghyuck about all the thoughtful things the man had done already, that he worked at a PR company a former client had recommended to his law firm and when he’d sent work related things it always came with a little romantic note, sometimes even a cute drawing, for Renjun. He sent chocolates to Renjun. He took Renjun out to dinner. He was a perfect gentleman and Renjun was smitten.

“I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to create expectations.” He said.

Donghyuck laughed at that because he knew exactly what Renjun was talking about. It was the same reason that kept him from babbling to Renjun about how it was having Jaemin back in his routine. Jaemin had indeed brought souvenirs from everywhere - absolutely everywhere - he had gone. They weren’t typical touristy souvenirs either. He brought museums’ brochures and art gallery catalogues from the ones he’d visited in Europe, he brought Mexican street art, he brought jewelry from China, a leather notebook from Portugal, a mug from a family owned cafe in Italy, a piece of Morrocan fabric for his couch, a koala plushie from Australia.

Donghyuck had no idea how Jaemin had found the time to even go buy all that, but when he asked all Jaemin did was shrug. He was clearly delighted by how much Donghyuck had loved everything he was gifted, but Donghyuck would have loved the gifts even if they were only kitchen magnets. Jaemin remembered him not one day but _all_ of the days he was away. He had presents for everyone, even Jaehyun, whom he had never met before - it was a jersey from a rugby team from New Zealand that was sold locally only, Jaehyun almost cried -, but those were different, like Jeno said they would be. Most of Jaemin’s gifts to him weren’t only about remembering him, but also about things he said he’d like to do one day. Those museums, galleries, the art, the unusual tokens of life in those cities; that’s the kind of traveler he wanted to be.

He had thought the sunflowers were as surprised as he could ever get, but Jaemin’s thoughtfulness went beyond. Donghyuck wasn’t sure what he was even doing, what he had to offer, for Jaemin to act like that. He wasn’t worldly, interesting, or handsome enough to deserve it. When they were together, Jaemin looked at him like he was the only one in that space and time; he was the focus, and Donghyuck felt like he would explode. It was a look as intense as it was sweet, fond. He wondered how someone could convey so much without actually saying anything. Donghyuck realized that he talked a lot, but also didn’t say much in that sense to Jaemin either.

He decided to say all of that to Renjun, after his friend was done sharing his bit and receiving the appropriate advice (“Renjun, baby, put Lucas out of his misery and call him your boyfriend”). Renjun was looking at Donghyuck like he was the dumbest person to exist since the paleolithic era.

“I’m not going to address that ridiculous self esteem problem you have because we already know it’s useless, and you have therapy tomorrow. But. You mean to tell ME-” he said, pinching his nose “-that Jaemin, like a _cat_ \- you know, cats kill like, cockroaches, or mice, whatever, and bring it to their owners to show that they love them? Specifically them? You see where I’m going with this? Jaemin has been collecting things from all over the globe to bring them back to _you_ and you’re expecting him to do something more?”

Donghyuck was struck silent.

“He spent six months carrying these things around with him, calling you, listening to you, fucking _missing_ you and you want him to do what else, huh? Propose to you with roses and candles at a Caribbean beach?” Renjun was deceivingly calm, but Donghyuck could see in his eyes that he was _angry_.

“When you put it like that...”

“There's no other way to put it, Hyuck. He can’t- won’t take the next step because you keep acting like your relationship hasn't evolved. You are a sucker for skinship and he knows it, it doesn’t matter if you hold him a thousand times if he’ll see you doing the same to Chenle the next day-” Donghyuck was about to interrupt, not knowing exactly what to say, but Renjun kept going “-and it doesn’t matter if you say that you love him and don’t act on it, because you love _me_ too and nothing happens, so how can he know he’s different? If you don’t change? If you don’t move?”

Donghyuck left that conversation wondering if, after so much self discovery and improvement, he’d ever be brave enough to recognize his own feelings and act on them before it was too late and he ended up crying on the floor again. Donghyuck had hope, now. He knew he would be fine, with or without Jaemin, had gone through that whole thought process before, when he was gone. He had been steeling himself against having expectations again about a romantic relationship and hadn’t realized that that ship had sailed a long time ago. He _had_ been expecting things from Jaemin. Meanwhile, he hadn’t met Jaemin’s expectations for whatever future they were supposed to have.

He hoped things would be better, knew they would. He had been looking around the landscape of his life, waiting for someone to do something, and missed the fact that that someone needed to be him, just like it had been before - smashing plates on a wall or going to an interview for a dream job feeling underqualified. Just like it had been when, on a summer night almost one year before, instead of going home, he sat beside the boy that had a smile like the morning sun.

_

Jaemin was not perfect and Donghyuck knew that. He was reminded of it by Jaemin himself quite often. Jaemin forgot to put his phone on silent at the movies. He didn’t take all the food out of his place before putting it in the sink. Donghyuck would text Jaemin and ask him five questions, Jaemin would answer three at most. Sometimes he flooded Donghyuck with messages; sometimes he took an entire day to conjure some type of reply. They lived close to each other, so it wasn’t like Donghyuck couldn’t walk there and talk to him in person. Which he did, because Jaemin had these days where he’d do nothing, absolutely nothing at all, and they had no reason or logic for when they would come, and the only way Jaemin would get out of his room was if Donghyuck showed up. Donghyuck talked about it with Jisung once, because he was curious but also scared, wondering if it could be a depressive episode.

“You should ask him, Hyuck.” was what Jisung said. “But just so you don’t worry: Nana’s not depressed. Not right now, anyway. He likes living inside his own head and those things are not always related, with him.”

Donghyuck asked. Jaemin found it funny, because he knew Donghyuck had to be doing _something_ , at all times. It could be dancing while doing the dishes, swimming, or playing games for seven hours straight, he liked to be entertained. Jaemin could entertain himself just fine with his own thoughts and the rest of the world would never know what was going on inside his head. He asked about the depression, and that earned him a sad smile.

“I haven’t had a bad episode in years. It still affects me, but it never sticks, so I don’t talk about it much.”

He told Donghyuck about how his stillness as a child, related to the chemical imbalances in his brain or not, was the reason his mom put him in dance classes. He found out new things about Jaemin every day, it seemed.

Another thing that puzzled Donghyuck immensely was the fact that Jaemin was the laziest, most ambitious person he had ever met. He put minimal effort into things and he got good at them in way fewer tries than the average person required. He wanted to be great, he _was_ great at many things, from playing the violin to surfing, but Donghyuck never saw him practice, except for his chosen craft. His competitiveness was null. When they played together, they always paired Jaemin with Chenle or Renjun so he would somewhat balance the one sided rivalry they’d develop to antagonize the others when playing. Jaemin did a whole lot just for the sole reason his friends wanted to. Donghyuck was afraid maybe Jaemin just went along with him because arguing would be too much of a hassle, but Jaemin tsked and rolled his eyes.

“I know how to say no, and if I didn’t it’s because I’m fine. Being with you here is because I want to, not because I don’t mind to be.”

“But why do you want it? You don’t have to indulge me.”

“We like the same things, Hyuck. I left my bed this morning because you said you’d bring me to a place I actually cared to go to.” He eyed Donghyuck suspiciously. “I’m pretty transparent, no? I think you’d know if I’d rather be anywhere else.”

To which Donghyuck had nothing to say in return. Jaemin was indeed pretty transparent when he was dissatisfied, a plastic smile on his face, and he played around so much that it became easy to see when he was being genuine with his teasing and when he was intentionally mean. The latter was a rare occurrence. Donghyuck once saw him and Jeno fight. A terrible thing to witness, but even more so because they were both hard to rile up, brushed off so many things, kept a lot bottled up. It reminded Donghyuck of his break up fight, and, even though no one broke any house decorations, the undertones of bitterness were in every word.

Jisung was like a lost puppy running between the two trying to fix whatever was broken. He was like a sponge that absorbed every ounce of tension around him, and Donghyuck was stressed because Jisung was stressed because Jeno and Jaemin were stressed. Renjun and Chenle had the advantage of being physically distant, and Jisung let some of the tension go when the four of them were all together. The fight lasted for almost a month. It ended because, true to their characters, they got tired of it. They talked it out, solved whatever they had to solve, and yielded when they should yield. It was a much more mature affair than the fight itself.

All that to say Donghyuck knew Jaemin had his moments. He could be aggravating just like the next person and even though Donghyuck was positively in love with him, he was not under any illusion that he’d live inside a romcom from then until eternity. No rose colored glasses. No more going with the flow and brushing things off either. That’s why when Jaemin disappeared for two days, no contact, Donghyuck went to his place, only to find out that he wasn’t even in the city.

“Come again?” 

“He didn’t tell you?” Jisung asked, brows furrowed. “Huh. He’s gone visiting a friend of ours from back home for the week.”

“Right.” 

“I haven’t talked to him in a while, but I think he just forgot? Text him, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck didn’t tell Jisung that that’s what he’d been doing. He just went to his place, called Chenle, and spent the rest of the day being distracted by his bubbly friend, who suspected something was strange but had the decency not to ask.

He kept having the same dialogue with himself that night, over and over and over again. It had been just two days, who Donghyuck thought he was to ask Jaemin for an account of his whereabouts? But couldn’t he just answer a text? One text? A simple ok would have sufficed. What was he doing that he couldn’t even be bothered to _type_? Maybe he just didn’t think Donghyuck would care. But how could he not, when they had been spending so much time together? Donghyuck wasn’t his boyfriend, though. What made him think he had the right?

He couldn’t stop his brain from talking, just saying and talking, and that noise was making him sick. He had been there before. He had spent nights worrying about his ex, telling himself as many times as he could without going insane that he was an adult, he didn’t need to tell Donghyuck _everything_. And maybe that’s what got Donghyuck so mad over it, he realized. He felt like he was regressing, and over another man, no less. It was annoying and dumb, and he hated it. But he still had no idea what happened with Jaemin that caused the radio silence and he hated that even more.

He was having lunch when Jaemin called the next day. In the time he took to internally debate if he should be petty and not pick up the phone or just be a reasonable adult and answer, the call went to voicemail. Jaemin called again almost immediately and Donghyuck answered right away, pettiness be damned.

“Hey, Hyuck!” Jaemin sounded so happy. Donghyuck swallowed his anger.

“Hey, Nana.”

“I just talked with Jisung, and he said you stopped by. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner but-”

“It’s okay.” It was not, but Donghyuck didn’t want to go on about it in the next twenty minutes he had before a meeting with his boss.

“No, no, it wasn’t! Look, Mark had an emergency- well, not an actual emergency, but he needed help so I just rented a car and left in a hurry, but then I stopped at a gas station and my phone fell from my pocket and then it got run over by a truck so I had to go to the bigger mall on the next town to get a new one-” Jaemin was rambling, and Donghyuck got hit with a wave of guilt he knew he shouldn’t feel. “Anyway, this sounds like the worst excuse ever, I know. I have a new phone now, but if you tried to talk to me, that’s the reason I was MIA.”

Donghyuck knew that the fact that Jaemin had a more than valid reason for not talking to him didn’t annul the fact that he felt like he had been ignored on purpose and all the past feelings the situation stirred in him. Both things could coexist. Two days. Only two days, and he felt like he should go to a retreat and do some meditating to settle his spirit.

“We can talk more when you come back, Jaemin.”

“You sound a little pissed, so maybe right now?” Jaemin asked, tentatively.

“No, that’s not it, it’s just… I have a meeting with Mr. So in a few minutes.” Not the whole truth, but true enough.

“Alright, but we’ll talk. I won’t forget it, Hyuck.”

“Me neither. But really, I’m glad you’re okay, I was worried.” He sighed, already tired of trying to talk about his feelings out loud. For the amount of therapy he had done those past months, it served him nothing when faced with the things he hated the most: confrontation and displeasing people. “And I don’t like being ghosted.”

“I’m sorry, love. I’m forgetful, but I’m not _that_ forgetful, and I should’ve just used Mark’s phone or something, this was stupid. I’ll be back tomorrow, and you can roll your eyes at me in person.” 

“I won’t.” Donghyuck said, rolling his eyes.

“You’re doing it right now.” Jaemin knew too much. “But I like it, you’re cute when you’re angry. Good luck with the boss!”

The first thing he did when Jaemin showed up at his door the next evening was roll his eyes, making the already big smile on Jaemin’s face get even bigger. They talked, and not once Jaemin made him feel like his annoyance or anger wasn’t valid, but he also didn’t apologize more than he should. He couldn’t control accidents. In the end, Jaemin wasn’t perfect, but that was fine, because that wasn’t what Donghyuck wanted or needed anyway.

_

Donghyuck hadn’t thought about sex in months. Not really. He thought about sex superficially, read about it, saw it in movies, listened to his friends talk about it. Only, there was no desire. When he was still living on his friends’ couch, he had been hornier than the year before when he had been sleeping with his ex. Somewhere along the way, and Donghyuck had his suspicions as for when, sex became less fun. He mostly enjoyed it, but as time passed he just wanted to be done so he could go to sleep. He had failed to realize that that hadn’t been sex at all, but, while it was happening, he assumed that was the inevitable consequence of being in a relationship for so long, always with the same person and doing the same things.

As soon as he became single, the thought of never having sex again haunted him. Even though it hadn’t been great, he had had something, and now he had nothing. He was horny and sad, constantly being hit with sexual memories - the good ones - and downloaded hookup apps, only to delete it two days later because he had no patience for flirting and didn’t like casual sex, so why bother. After weeks, that horniness went away and he found himself empty. All desire had left him, and he was too busy trying to put the rest of his life together to do something about that.

Donghyuck wished it didn’t last, but it did, and even when he felt like he should be feeling something again, it never came. Not until one night, doing plenty of nothing at Jisung’s apartment, Jeno showed him an old performance of Jaemin’s. They were talking about the one that had him touring at that moment and Jeno mentioned in passing that he liked the most recent one the best, followed closely by the second piece Jaemin did as a professional dancer. In his naiveté, Donghyuck asked to see it.

Objectively, Jaemin was handsome. Donghyuck had been attracted to him the moment they met, but seeing Jaemin throw someone and be thrown around the stage while simulating sex took that to a completely different level. It hit him like a train. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the screen. He couldn’t do anything but stand there and feel the heat take his body, his stomach plummet, and his heart skip a beat.

He could see the path Jaemin's mouth was doing on another dancer’s neck, heard the sound his body made when forcefully hitting the floor, saw his then brown hair get wet with sweat. Jaemin looked younger, but he was just as beautiful. His body was strong in subtler ways than the Jaemin Donghyuck knew, and he was lithe, moving with intention.

Donghyuck was mesmerized but also terrified. He wasn’t used to dealing with arousal like that, rethought every other time he felt he had been excited because what he felt watching Jaemin was like comparing a tsunami to artificial waves in a kids’ pool. He saw Jaemin’s hands - such beautiful hands - holding and squeezing legs, waists, necks. He matched his breath to the dancers’ when they were just lying there, part of the routine allowing them to recover while another pair of dancers held the focus. He saw Jaemin’s chest rise and fall, rise and fall, and he could imagine Jaemin’s breathing on his neck, hear him whispering Donghyuck’s name.

“Isn’t it amazing?” Jeno asked when the clip was done.

“It’s definitely something.” His heart was pounding and he had to clear his throat before continuing. “Why do you like it so much?”

Jeno barked out a laugh and shook his head, still smiling, the devil.

_

Renjun was right, but he was levels above Chenle on smugness, which meant Donghyuck would refrain from admitting to his friend that the talk they had had been the cataclysm for him to work up the courage to say something to Jaemin about his feelings. He wasn’t impulsive, and he was a certified coward about those things, so Donghyuck took his sweet time. Being upset over realizing the power Jaemin had over him after the almost three days of radio silence, he used some time to think about what, and how, he would do.

It was a especially sunny day, the humid heat setting the tone for the summer they were about to experience. Donghyuck packed a few things and went fetch Jaemin. As expected, Donghyuck found him in bed, sleeping so peacefully he felt only a little bad for waking him that early, but it was a necessary evil if Donghyuck’s plans were to be fulfilled.

“Nana, wake up.” Jaemin rustled and mumbled and pushed him away. “Jaemin, baby, open your eyes.”

Gaze unfocused and mindset on autopilot, Jaemin obeyed. He didn’t ask much, just sat there and ate his breakfast while Donghyuck gathered a couple of beach related things, fruits and water, plus Jaemin’s surf apparel and board. His friend arched a brow and sent him a questioning look, but Donghyuck was excited and wouldn’t stop talking once he started, and he knew how much Jaemin hated any conversation with more than two sentences before nine in the morning.

He eventually explained they were going to the other end of the bay - almost two hours by car with the traffic they would sure encounter given that it was the type of day everyone had the same thing in mind, which was to stay close to a large body of water and pray that would be enough not to melt into the ground. Jaemin was slowly waking up, getting more excited about the day trip and prospect of surfing. They sang out of tune to Donghyuck’s 90’s girl group playlist, talked about their childhoods - Jaemin had always known the sea, Donghyuck’s first time on the coast was at sixteen -, and held hands when traffic was so bad the only option they had was to move slower than if they had been walking. He loved Jaemin’s hands. The hold was lax, but he made circles on Donghyuck’s hand with his thumb, looking out the window and paying no mind to how Donghyuck swooned over something so small.

Parking was terrible, but Donghyuck had been there before and knew a few secluded spots to avoid sharing their lot of sand with too many people. They lounged for hours in the blazing sun. Donghyuck tried to learn surfing basics, but kept falling off and swallowing salt water. He got tired of embarrassing himself, choosing to watch Jaemin climb up the board - one too small for Donghyuck to try to learn with - with grace and ease, and admire his toned body work. Jaemin waved at him from the water, smiled when he fell, and was bursting with happiness by the time midday came. They ate and dozed off, serenaded by the sound of the crashing waves.

“Do you know what day is today?” Donghyuck asked, when they were both truly awake and rested.

“You mean like the specific date or the occasion? Because, if I remember correctly, which maybe I don’t because you know how _awful_ I am remembering things, but I don’t think I’d forget this, today is the day we met. One year ago, I mean.” 

“It was the second option.” Donghyuck smiled at him. Of course Jaemin would remember. He was right about having a shitty memory, but that didn’t seem to apply to anything Donghyuck related and he noticed. Impossible not to after hanging the print of Klimt’s The Kiss on his living room that Jaemin bought for him in Vienna or the multiple small sunflowers that populated every corner of his apartment. He always remembered.

“Is this our anniversary date, Hyuck?” Jaemin asked, laughing.

“Kind of? Yes?” He was a little embarrassed, but Jaemin knew him to be someone who cared for celebrating by spending time with people that were important to him.

“When we get back home, there’s chocolate cake in the fridge.”

“Okay…?”

“It’s almost a cupcake, but I was one hundred percent prepared to be super corny and sing some variation of happy birthday to us.” Jaemin admitted, scrunching up his nose. Donghyuck laughed, because it was corny, but also something that would have made his heart swell and explode into a million pieces.

“You can still do that. I’d love to see it.”

“Eh, we’ll see. Your idea was better than mine, because this?” He said, waving around. “This is amazing.”

“I knew you’d like it, even if it wasn’t something like an anniversary date. You love the beach as much as I do.”

“Date?” Jaemin asked, voice sweet.

Donghyuck flushed. His skin was darker now, the way he liked, because it meant he had spent time out, but it wasn’t only the sun that made his face warm. The slip of his tongue had been unintentional, but Donghyuck had been planning to get around to it, to say what he had been thinking for weeks, months. He wanted this to be more than an impromptu celebration of friendship. He wanted Jaemin to be more, always.

“Yeah… It could be.” He admitted, tentatively. “It doesn’t have to, this is fine, we’re fine-” Jaemin's face was serene but serious, and Donghyuck’s nerves were haywiring. “We’ll be fine tomorrow too, but I’d like- I’d love if this day becomes more than just the day we met.”

“And what do you want it to be?” He prod, head turning slightly to rest on his own shoulder. Jaemin was a vision like that.

“I… I want to date you. I mean, really date you. We- I’m just-”

Getting it out was a struggle. He was so nervous he couldn’t hear anything beyond his own heartbeat.

“Hyuck, calm down. Just say what you want to say and, just like you said, we’re fine.”

“I hate that you’re always so calm.” Donghyuck grumbled, making Jaemin smile.

“You love it.”

“I do.” He said, the air around them filling with tension. “Love you. I love you so much, Jaemin, it’s almost unfair. I was getting myself back together, and the day we met every single thing contributed to me being there-” Donghyuck pointed to the horizon, to the thin line that the place they lived became with the distance. “-watching that sunset and meeting you. I even said to Jae that you were maybe a sign from the universe, some kind of reward, as if I deserved one for doing the work and becoming a better version of myself.

“You did everything right. Even when you pissed me off, that helped me realize how much of my happiness can’t depend on anyone else, and you gave me food, gifts, and music. You gave me time, and flowers.” Donghyuck snorted, thinking about the rainy morning he found them. “Everything you gave me was out of love and you never asked for anything in return, and I have no idea if I deserve any of this, not really, but I love you.” 

He had tears in his eyes, but he wasn’t going to cry, not again, not even out of relief and happiness. Jaemin shifted in their towel, getting closer to Donghyuck until he was almost in his lap, nuzzling his face on Donghyuck’s neck.

“Are you done?” He murmured.

“Not yet.” Donghyuck answered. “Just give me a second.”

“Okay.” Jaemin stayed silent until he continued.

“I know I should’ve said something sooner. But I was afraid. Not that you gave me any reason to be, but just… We have our pasts, and you know mine has some parts that are not that great. I’m better. I’m moving on. My friends helped, our place helped, _you_ helped... Just seeing you and having you there.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You did a lot, but we can talk about that later.” Donghyuck retorted, and Jaemin shook his head a little. “So that’s why I didn’t say anything sooner, even though everyone was tired of me being lovesick when you were away. I was afraid, I still am, but I want to be with you so _bad_ , Jaemin. I want to have _this_ for as much time as you let me. I want to be happy, but with you. And maybe I’m making myself look like an idiot, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you feel the same.”

Jaemin lifted his head from Donghyuck’s shoulder and looked at him. He was smiling, a restrained smile, but happy just the same. Donghyuck saw in his eyes relief, fondness, joy and love. So much love. He returned the smile, which made Jaemin shake his head and sigh. He put his hand on Donghyuck’s face, caressing his cheek, and Donghyuck leaned into his touch. He was sure that what he saw in Jaemin’s face was mirrored on his own.

“I want to be happy with you, too.” Jaemin said, getting closer. “You could’ve taken one more year, and then another, and I’d still be here for you.” Donghyuck could feel his breath on his lips. Jaemin continued to stroke his cheek as he got even more close. “You needed time, and I have that. For you, I’ll always have time.”

“So annoying.” Donghyuck murmured.

“Yeah, well, you love it, and I won’t let you take it back, because I love you, too.” He said, grinning.

When Donghyuck closed the little distance left between them, Jaemin was still grinning. Donghyuck kissed his smile, just a peck at first, and then a proper kiss, like the one he wished he could’ve given Jaemin the moment he set his foot back into his apartment after coming back from his tour. It was slow, tentative as they were discovering each other in a new way, but sweet and _good_ like Donghyuck knew it would be.

It soon became like the ocean they loved so much; powerful, capable of being still and peaceful but also strong and ravishing. They moved like the waves, crashing into each other after so much time spending wondering, yearning. Donghyuck felt as if a current was pulling him deeper, his feelings swirling all around him, as potent as they could get in that moment without him restraining them anymore. Donghyuck felt Jaemin shudder lightly when he bit his lips gently. He felt Jaemin’s hand on the back of his neck pulling him closer, the other hand gripping his tight above his knee, slowly going up. He felt Jaemin’s biceps under his touch, the curve of the muscle above his hip.

As far as Donghyuck knew, they could live in that moment forever, but a kid screamed in the distance, someone shouted for their friend, and the wind picked up, throwing more sand at them, taking them out of it. He was dazed. Jaemin was looking at his lips like he wanted to eat Donghyuck up. They still had hours to kill before going back home, and Donghyuck intended for them to stay until sunset. He was only human, though, so Jaemin kissed him more, played with his hair, squeezed his tights, his waist, his neck. It was a double edged sword, clear that Jaemin was just as affected. They ate more, played in the water, and tried for another surfing lesson, adding soft making out sessions in between.

Most of the people at the beach had left mid afternoon trying to escape rush hours, but they stayed. Much like on their side, there was a small pier and a rocky edge that allowed visitors to sightsee. They watched the sun go away, and felt the fresh breeze that came with the night. Jaemin’s neck tasted of salt and sweat, his hair was mildly stiff from the saltwater, and his cheeks had a soft pink hue that endeared him. He looked different to Donghyuck than he had before, the freedom of his confession allowing him to fully appreciate his beauty. He loved Jaemin. He loved him so much it made him dizzy, euphoric. He loved him so much and to know he was loved in return gave him peace and hope. _Hope_.

“What are you thinking about so hard over there?” Jaemin poked him on the side.

“I’m always thinking.”

“But I bet it was something deep. When you come back from therapy you look like that. That’s also your concept face, whenever you’re explaining some artistic stuff.”

“It’s just. I was just thinking about you.”

“I’m right here?” 

“I noticed?” He shoved Jaemin playfully. “It’s, uh. You said you weren’t sure you were going to keep living with Jisung. When we first met, you said this place didn’t feel like home to you, that it wasn’t yours. I was wondering if that changed.” Donghyuck threw a shell he had been playing with into the distance, distracting himself from purposefully not looking at Jaemin. “Did you find what you needed to make you stay, Nana?”

“You mean the cat?” He joked, prompting Donghyuck’s eye roll. Jaemin took his hand and interlaced their fingers. “As long as I do what I do, I’ll never have a house like most people have, and that’s ok because movement is what keeps me grounded. Except now I know what’s like to have more than enough to make a place a permanent home. I always had Jisung and Jeno, but I have you too, now. I found you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

They were exhausted by the time they returned back home. It was still early, but the decision to go to bed was already made, any further discussion unnecessary. Ignoring JIisung and Chenle’s plea to go out to eat, they headed for the bed. He slept in Jaemin’s arms, feeling hot all over from the sun and Jaemin’s body, and woke up in the same place, being smothered with kisses at his neck, shoulders, behind his ears. Jaemin ignored Donghyuck’s morning breath - and his own -, and kissed his mouth, sucked his lips, murmured how pretty Donghyuck was, how he had wanted to feel his skin like that for months - that beautiful skin, little dots all over, so, so soft -, how Donghyuck was a dream, his dream, an angel.

Donghyuck wasn’t going anywhere either.

_

He had never seen snow before and he felt especially dumb looking at it because it was nothing at all like he expected. Donghyuck had felt cold before, but snow? It was outrageous. He had used words like icy, glacial, freezing before and now he had nothing to describe the frosty (new word, he had never used that one) weather and what he knew didn’t feel like enough. Chenle found it all incredibly amusing, and so did Doyoung. He and Jaehyun had gone to meet him in what Donghyuck found to be the definition of a flex. He commented in passing that he would be there for the next five days, the fourth city in his one month trip, all coach flights and modest hotels in exchange for more stops, and Doyoung grabbed Jaehyun so they could take an hour long flight - first class - to meet him the very next day. They just _happened_ to be in the next country over.

Chenle, in a different situation, was leaving that night. He had accompanied Donghyuck on his third city - Shanghai - because he had the time, money and because Donghyuck knew a grand total of three words in Mandarin. Chenle was fluent and loved making fun of him when he couldn’t even guess what was being said. It was great having someone to share his joy in discovering new things, new cities.

Donghyuck, however, was literally freezing. Literally being used in its originally intended way; his hands were stiff, he couldn’t feel his nose anymore, and maybe if he could feel his feet he’d know if they were as wet as he thought they were. Chenle had lent him everything he was wearing, saving him the trouble of carrying around clothes he’d have no use for on a trip that crossed the equatorial line more than once - flight prices made no sense - and got him experiencing opposite seasons. Doyoung was never late, but Jaehyun was always late, which had both him and Chenle looking like fools waiting for them right outside the theatre’s doors, emanating heat he longed to feel.

It was Jaemin’s third performance in that city, and when Donghyuck was planning his trip they coordinated dates so he would be able to watch Jaemin there. His company had premiered a new piece one month after the tour had originally begun as a result of some mistakes made in production that prevented them from performing it from day one. Donghyuck had already seen the first part, plus a repeat from the previous year’s piece that filled the new one’s gap when they were back home, but he was excited and anxious to see the new creation. Jaemin forbade him to look for clips online with the excuse that Donghyuck _needed_ to be surprised. 

His friends arrived, got their fill of making fun of him for dying because of the cold, and headed inside. Courtesy of being a dancer’s boyfriend, Donghyuck and Chenle had amazing seats. The performance was nothing like he had seen before. They had translucent fabrics covering the stage like a grown-up version of a blanket fort, creating a glinting and ethereal atmosphere of pastel colors. Part of it was danced out of reach from the fabrics, other parts the dancers tangled themselves in it and each other, like they were in a dream, waking up only to fall asleep again, getting deeper and deeper.

It was perfect. Jaemin was right. Not seeing anything about it before entranced him even more, the dancers taking him to dreamland with them. Donghyuck was lost in thought even as intermission came. His friends were talking somewhere close, but he found himself admiring the stained glasses that adorned the theatre entrance hall. The mosaics had three of the nine Muses - Donghyuck recognized two, Euterpe and Terpsichore, but his art history was rusty and there were way too many poetry muses for him to remember them all.

The theatre architectural style was eclectic, clearly inspired by Palais Garniér - another place on Donghyuck’s list -, only less old and with more creative liberty. He got closer to the Euterpe stained glass, enamored by the colors and wires. Like most art, it was all about the light. It hit differently at night, less strong, but he knew it would come alive during the day with the natural lighting. It was already breathtaking as it was.

Donghyuck had always been fascinated with stained glass because he had a hard time making sense of making something enormous with such fragile material, held together only by thin strips of metal. Most of his favorites were of imperfect symmetry, creating angles, shading, and elaborate poses for the subjects, which meant the pieces that composed the mosaic were never the same. Everything had to be in pieces to become that monument. An ode to fragility, made to be imposing and delicate, to shine and color everything around it with light. It made perfect sense to Donghyuck then why he loved mosaics.

_

It wasn’t until the day after Jaemin had his last performance in that city that they managed to spend the entire day together. Donghyuck loosely put together a list of things they had to do and places they had to go, but neither of them cared much for itineraries when traveling, time mostly spent enjoying the city without much order to their choices. There was barely snow anymore, although a few streets were still wet and slippery. Donghyuck didn’t think he’d ever look the same at it. Snow _melted,_ an obvious thing that had escaped him before seeing the wet looking dirt under his feet. It was still mesmerizing at a distance, covering everything in white cold hues.

Despite the cold, they managed to walk without much trouble. They ate at an unassuming restaurant, visited thrift shops, and hit some touristy spots. Jaemin let Donghyuck guide him, making him experience the place as if it was also his first time there. Jaemin looked at him with such reverence, he sometimes didn’t know how to act. He never got used to the way Jaemin made him feel when he did that, still wondered what he could’ve possibly done to have someone offer him that kind of love. They had been together for months, known each other longer, but having Jaemin’s focus made him warm all over.

“I’m not even doing anything!” Jaemin complained over his coffee.

“Just tone it down. Please? My heart can’t take it if you keep looking at me like that.” Donghyuck pouted, making Jaemin laugh.

“No can do. Besides, I have to know what I’m doing to stop doing it.”

“I’m sure you know, you do it on purpose. Ah, again!” he said, pointing at Jeamin’s amused face.

“Right. And if I don’t stop, what’s going to happen?”

“I’ll be forced to drag you to our hotel room and kiss you until you stop.” Donghyuck shrugged. Jaemin arched a brow.

“And exactly how that helps your case here?” 

“Huh.”

“That’s what I thought.”

They lasted about twenty more minutes until Donghyuck decided he had had enough. The sun had set early and they returned to the hotel craving a warm bath. Donghyuck spent the long night doing precisely what he said he’d do, which was to kiss that soft expression out of Jaemin’s face. He was successful, shifting that pure reverence to a much, much less pure one, even though the adoration stayed. It didn’t matter if Donghyuck was out and about in the cold or burning up lying under Jaemin, the adoration always stayed.

Some time in between sleep, cuddles, and sex, Donghyuck looked out the hotel window to the city skyline. Jaemin was lying on his chest, gripping his waist and breathing softly against his collarbones, silver hair curly and soft under Donghyuck’s hand. He murmured into Jaemin’s hair airy declarations of love, more to himself than to his boyfriend. He never got tired of saying it to Jaemin just because he _could_ , because Donghyuck _loved_ him, and it was never enough, no matter how many times he did it.

Donghyuck was sure, there was absolutely no doubt in his mind, that this place was his and Jaemin’s. It was nothing like where it all started. Not the weather, not the language nor the architecture, not even the food. However, being there, achieving his dream of being in another country, with his favorite person, made it special in more ways than one. There was beauty in their routine, in their visits to the pier back home, to the mornings spent in his living room filled with yellow. There was beauty in having Jaemin every day, but _this_ , this was more than he could have imagined and he couldn’t recognize himself.

Jaemin was the constant. Donghyuck healed, changed, moved on, and Jaemin had been there. Even with thousands of miles between them, Jaemin was there, witnessing it all. For the first time, he’d never be able to go back and have it stripped of someone else’s presence, to enjoy it for what it was objectively. For Jaemin, he was more than willing to give that up, and he found that he was happy to do so. As if the moment could be frozen in amber, removed from the passage of time, Donghyuck would make it theirs, because now Jaemin wasn’t just a witness anymore. He was part of Donghyuck, and if he was there, so was Jaemin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it... done? wow! when i started posting i had about 80% of it written, and me posting before i was actually done was maybe a way to force myself not to drop it.  
> the first name of the fic was in the summer, then sunflowers, then finally mosaic, much more fitting me thinks :) the reason for the story to go back and forth in time like it does is because healing is not a linear process, neither is moving on. i’m soft for jaemin and even softer for haechan, i hope they got you just like they got me.  
> huge thanks for reading, and an even bigger thanks if you liked it (which…. so many words to get here, i hope you did lol) and left your kudos  
> thaaanks youuuuu <3
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_honeyyyyyyyy_)
> 
> ps: i have very noticeable issues with grammar consistency, sorry about that


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